I feel as though there are so many distractions in public school that keep children for learning, its a wonder any kids get through it at all without additional teachings from their parents at home. We've recently gone through an income decrease because of Josh changing jobs to do what he is passionate about... EMS. But I'm also getting a raise every 3 months until next June/July because of my training program. These eventual raises will even it out, and eventually wind up making us more money. However, do we take money over passion? At what point does it become the love of money over the love of God?
I'm so close to finishing school, to be exact about one year away. But I'm fighting these feelings of "is it worth it" when I am fighting so hard to just be able to stay home with my baby. Do I get the degree to say I have the piece of paper? Do I stay home and teach my daughter, and eventually our other children if we have any? When does this passion for a career come? I've done nothing but jobs my entire working life, its been something to do to pay for the bills I've created for myself. When is it that I wake up in the morning looking forward to going to work because it's my passion? I'm so intrigued by so many things, and once I get involved to a certain extent, it's like all that interest just up and leaves.
It is in these moments that I begin feeling like I'm failing my family, my child, my school, employer and ever more, myself. Since when did this A-B average student become one that was lazy? Was school before just not that difficult? Were things really just handed to me? Is continuing our living situation taking advantage of what's been given?
What is my child learning when I'm not there? How to walk, speak words, or what shape goes into what hole. If I keep going to work unhappy, who is winning there? No one. My employer is losing an opportunity to have an employee who loves what they do, and I'm losing my opportunity to find myself in something I love.
When does this heartache end? From being away from my husband because of job schedules, to not knowing what the unknown holds... being scared is so difficult to work through. When do you say it's okay to go out in left field, and be okay with whatever happens?
I need God's hands on my heart, to lift me up, to take the steering wheel and to say " I've carried you through those hard times, and I'm still in control". Sometimes a map might be nice, but how else do you learn to navigate your way through besides going through the motions?
Hope this didn't bring anyone down too much, not like many read this thing anyway. But thanks for reading....
