A look into my head, heart, soul

Wow.. it seems crazy that I have an ambition to write on this thing every year, and it slowly dissipates as the year goes on. So much has gone on.. yet nothing much seems to have changed. I feel there has been much spiritual growth in the last two years that I've been a part of my new church family, yet I feel even further away at times.

I've become aware of how much of a hipocrite I've been. Basically getting people into a headlock, then telling them they need jesus. How pathetic is that? I know I need to grow in my spirit of compassion, my empathy, and just how to show that I love people. I'm an introverted extrovert....I want to be with people sometimes but I don't always want to open up. I still enjoy my time alone, yet crave for someone else to notice me.

God does all the things I need him to do, but I'm not always looking towards him; which means I don't always see what he's doing.

The last few weeks have been a major hurdle, and to be honest, the enemy was grabbing a foothold. I'm almost ashamed to say how far I faded in that short amount of time. But I struggle with self talk, low self worth, shame and guilt almost to an extreme. And instead of believing what I know is truth, I went down the rabbit hole. Until I confessed my struggles to a group of women who are my sisters in christ. They not only let me open up about all my struggles, they prayed for me.... and my burden was lifted.  I'm not saying that I'm healed...im still struggling to get to a place of joy... but the slippery slope of my fade has at least stopped. And I don't feel compelled to just give up any longer.

I want you to know that it is my hope that one day, you can see the change that only God was able to complete in me. That my actions show the compassion I feel inside, and show the love God showed me to the outside world. I'm sorry to anyone that I've hurt in my journey...it wasn't intentional.

Change, in all its forms

Today was a rough day as it was 5he first time face to face with my ex, that was more about an end than anything else. Up until this point I've been swallowed by doubt and uncertainty about the choice I made. The choice to listen to the Holy spirit and leave behind what looked, felt, and seemed to be so so good. But in reality, that step of faith is saving me everyday.  In the months since, I've been nothing but lonely and seemingly lost in a wilderness that has no end. But today....seeing what is happening,  I'm glad that I listened. I'm scared for his future as he lives with his choices. I want to so badly shake and say you don't have to do it....but what would my motive be? To change him? To save him? We both still are reeling from the hurt that both of us felt when I left so it's hard to have anything to say. But I still love, and want nothing but the best. I can only pray that God uses his spirit to guide him in the right path. I just see him so lost, and I feel lost. But I don't want him to go down such a shadowy trail, not knowing where it leads, but knowing possible outcomes. So tonight I have mixed feelings; searching for my own place, my own confidence and belonging;  believing that what I feel in my heart is true, but feeling like I'm losing it all. What a conundrum to be human....with so many emotions to be put into words. For now, this is the change I live....with daily reminders of what could have been, and may never be; trying constantly to move forward and not dwell on the past.

So for now, this has to be goodbye.

Regret? I don't think so....

It's so funny how when we learn, the lessons are different yet they're really the same. Namely when they deal with principles. God's been teaching me many principles lately. I need to learn not to rush His timing, and to learn to be content in the waiting because this is where so much growing and learning can happen. Just my own revelations as we go through a series on retraining our minds. Retrain them to love correctly,  to not fear; and to not regret. Overcoming regret is a powerful tool. And something not many of us use. If we overcome our regret, we can stop living in the past and start living facing forward with hope, and with truth.

Do you have regret? Do you let it drive your life while you sit in the passenger seat?

All you have to do is realize that the past can't change. If you made a choice you knew back then was the wrong one, then ask for forgiveness, and repent. If you didn't know better, then you made the best decision you knew to make. There IS a difference in that. Now, move forward.

I'm so glad I've got a church that will help me grow and rhat God is working in me and the church to make is all better people and coheirs.

Learning, growing, loving

Hello. Feeling a bit in my feelers so this may be a bit of a rambling post, so sorry.
Lately I've been feeling as though I have been learning a lot. Taking time to learn who I am, what things I like, where I want to be in 10 years. It's sad that I haven't really done it before now....but cest la vie. It's also been a time for me to learn how to truly rely on God for the things I've been relying on others or myself for. I am learning what true trust is. I've had my moments of feeling on top of the world the last few weeks, but many days and nights are consumed with lonliness and learning how to cope with my new normal. Learning to really feel God's presence around me when all I want is to be around others so that I don't feel so alone. Being able to show Jackie what a growing relationship with Christ looks like is very important to me. I hope I can look back one day and see the growth that has happened.

In other news, I started a wreath business....and I'm loving how it's going!

That's about it for now.

Back once again

I've been absent a long while. Excuses line up, but in reality, I've been busy living. And now I'm busy contemplating. I'm hurting. I'm lonely. I'm growing.
Growing as the person and purpose God intended. I'm hurting because I had to let go of a person I love- with no clear answer if we will ever be in each other's lives again. I'm lonely because a keep my circle small - but yearn to be in constant company of others. I'm learning to go to God when I have these days that drag on. But inside my heart still aches. I hate knowing I caused pain. I want nothing more than to take it on myself so that no one would ever have to experience pain ever agin. And where does that leave us? I'm struggling with insomnia, with lack of energy and not being content. I want more, I want best,  I want now. I know this is not the way the world works. I know life is a spectrum of time and we must work for what we want. I'm just growing weary and tired of this season. It seems a long season of tears, fear, and failure. THESE ARE NOT ME! These cannot define me.
There are days I don't even know where to begin...so I just go, to work, through the motions and home. I deserve better and so does jackie.
Speaking of which....this treasure I've been given to look over has been nothing but a light in my dark days. She's growing and learning so much so fast I have to remind myself sometimes she's still my little girl. Smart, beautiful, and crazy funny- she's got it all. It's so exciting to see her mature and grow.

That's enough for now. Maybe I'll keep up, maybe not. Just please pray- for the world, for the lost, the sick, the dying, and the orphans. Pray for peace, wisdom, discernment and rest.

Light of the World.

Sometimes there are days I feel I'm doing really good..... then it's like the enemy decides to ruin all my fun! I was feeling so good today.. then realized how my spending habits are going to..again...put me in a bind... ugh. Being an adult kinda stinks sometimes. There are definitely days I yearn for the years of the past when I really didn't have any thing to worry about. But what fun is it if you never grow up? So, for now, I'll be a few days behind... but I've got my budget written for my next check, and I know I can do this.... I've done it before. But it's almost as if when I became single again, I didn't have to worry about budgets anymore?? LOL Where did that mentality come from?? If anything, the opposite is the truth! So here I am, finding myself slipping slowly into a self pity party... seeing how many times I haven't got it right, how much I'm not where I want to be, with whom I want to be with, not doing the things I want to do.

But that isn't the point is it? Today in church a great point was taught.... "Is your lantern lit?" When going through these low points in life, is your light still shining? Are you the city on a hill in the world of darkness? I know there are days that I'm not. And I'm working on making sure that my lantern is full, and my wick is lit. Christ was the light to the world, then he said, "You are the light of the world"- Matthew 5:14.

It is true that even the darkest of nights cannot hide a single, small light. But when lights come together, they are even brighter, reaching even further into the dark night. Some days I may need help to get my lantern lit....it may be dim some days,  but I will do everything I can to help you light your lantern. You can't give, what you don't have... So I'm making it my goal to make sure that I'm always prepared.... that I'm not sleeping when the master comes back in the night.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful week, and let your little light shine :)

2015 - Dude, where's my DeLorean?

So I was asked about if I did this blog any longer... I suppose I didn't realize it had been so long since I had been here. So...how about a recap of life since April? that'll at least get us to now...

Here it goes -
In March I started a new job, and I love it so far. It's been a great move, especially considering how unhappy I was at my previous employer. We deal with such a unique group of individuals that there are days it just doesn't get any better. There is of course stress, but its a growing company, and I can see myself making a career out of it.

May -  I turned 27.... nothing super exciting... went to North Carolina, and spent some time on the beach for a 3 day weekend. It was great :)

June - I started a personal training journey that lasted until December. It gave me such knowledge and a place to grow and has been my most successful venture yet when it comes to my health and fitness. I have lost about 1/3 of my goal, but I've gained significant strength, and have lost many, many inches. :)

July - Spent a great time with family in Springfield. I came to realize that I hadn't really spent time allowing the Holy Spirit any room in my life, and I finally let Him in. :) The sheer weight that was lifted off my shoulders was astounding, considering you never really know how much you're carrying until you let it all go.

August - I got baptized as a born again Christian with my friends who have seen my journey most of the way through. They have been pivotal in my gaining knowledge and helping me see the "real life" that Christians can live, not just some fairy tale of how it is supposed to me. I was so glad to be able to share that time with my mom, daughter and best friend.

Fall - was fairly uneventful. We had some awesome family photos taken by a church friend, and she did an amazing job. It has been awesome to see my kiddo grow since we've been at this church.

Holidays - we did a typical thanksgiving dinner, and did Christmas a little differently, but it is only to be expected when still trying to make new traditions. The Christmas program at church was wonderful. The kids really looked like they worked hard on it, and they did a fantastic job.

December - I took my insurance exam for work, and I was pleased that I passed the exam on the first go. It is a little intimidating, but once you really stick your feet in, it starts becoming like common sense. Since doing this, it has made a ton of difference in my understanding of we do at work.

January 2015 - Here it is!! The year many in my generation have been waiting for since we saw "Back to the Future" and can't help but be disappointed that I don't have a flying DeLorean to fly to work. But alas, we are here.

Of course there are the everlasting resolutions to change, do better, striving for more.... well, of course... we all should. I've got a few resolutions myself....so I guess here they go:

1. Get to know and become more like Christ. I still feel a lack in my relationship with Christ, and I know it's not because he hasn't been there. It's a constant struggle to keep my eye focused where it should be, not focusing on the "white noise" of my life.
2. Continue in my health journey. I may not have a trainer anymore, but I at least have knowledge to keep me going. Healthy food/drink choices, and getting moving... it's all part of it, but I see now how much I love it!
3. Being more financial stable. I hit a point this year where I nearly just lost it all... I was broke, I didn't see an end in sight, but there is one. And it starts one choice at a time. Kinda like my fitness. I am hoping to have my emergency fund fully funded, and pay down debt as much as I can.

I have another one... but it's not for new years.. it's more for me. I have noticed more and more how much I haven't valued myself. For years, even stretching into my childhood, I can remember not really feeling worth much. Always changing and giving as much as I could so that someone would like me, want to include me, and feel that I brought value to their life. I give and give and give, because it's how I show that I care for people. And it's not the giving part that is wrong, as I think you should give of yourself to those you love and care for. However, the self worth, and self confidence thoughts that keep steeping in my daily mood must go.

I have to continue to know that I am a child of a King. That I'm worth more than just what someone else says about me, my life, my choices. That who I am doesn't center around what I look like, the past mistakes I've made, or where my life has taken me up to this point. However, this is probably the most difficult part of my "new self" to come to terms with. Daily, there are struggles that rear their ugly heads, trying to bring me down. And at times, the cut is more deep than I am prepared to admit.

I've got a hurt heart, and a love that is too great to keep to myself, so I keep putting myself out there, in hopes that I can find something that feels the way it should. Hoping that I can still center my hope on Christ, so I can not just know, but feel the love he has for me.

So that's it... my new year, new me, new start. I pray you all have a blessed year with those you love.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you - this is the Lord's declaration - Plans for your welfare, not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.