Hey there world... today's been a rough one. Started with not feeling well at work... just an upset stomach..not too much.. then BAM!! I noticed something wasn't done right on a case... I've literally been up in knots about it all day and it probably won't go away until tomorrow... I'm very unhappy in where I'm at. I feel like many things need to be different but don't know where to start to change it. I'm taking it one step at a time but it isn't going to be long before there's a change in the wind that I can't resist.
Today is also a tough day because Jackie's half sister will be born. The last few weeks have been tough because there hasn't really been a ton of communication going on. I feel like more and more we (mostly she) gets pushed to the side and almost forgotten. And I can't help but be furious about it. However, it's not my place to be. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be, and to show that little bundle of excitement and joy that I love her no matter what. That is the very least I hope she gets from me. I pray for my heart to be healed of the hurt, but it feels like the wound is reopened often. I pray I can get past my personal feelings and focus on what a beautiful gift I get to spend my time with. I'm sad because she's not been invited to share in other's happy times also.
I pray for God to show me how he can work through me for good. I'm feeling a calling coming to me, but am again unsure of how to go about it. Or how to start it....it's so different, and I need to make sure all my ducks are at least close to a line before I make large moves in our lives.
Thats all for now really. I hope you all have a great weekend.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
ready.... set....
Today I took a big step in faith. I walked in faith on something I've been pondering on for awhile. I pray that I see it bless others as it's blessed me so far. I'm also hoping that it will help bring me closer to God. I feel like I'm ready for something more in my life. Whether its more time with friends and family... a new family of my own... or just this new relationship with god... I feel I'm ready for it.
I've been living in a prison of fear. You know.. that place where you know you need to move but you can't make your feet go...I would break down in tears, because I was so moved, yet I couldn't let myself get hurt again.. or fail jackie yet again. I was in a prison within my own heart. I've been doing better about reading the word, and also starting to trust god the way that I should, and that he's deserving of. I've been hurt, and I don't want to hurt again. I've got to allow god to break down the wall around my heart and show me what love looks like.. so that I can recognize it in myself, and in others. I feel like there's a swelling of affection to give.. and too many times before I've been willing to give it away so easily.. and that's been something that has hurt me. So as hard as it is to withhold what I feel I need to give away so freely, I think I might have to. Or figure out in me what the difference is between showing love to others, and receiving what I feel is love from others.
I feel I've been lacking in my life and there's this large urge to "do" something about it. I don't know what it'll look like... and to be honest I'm scared... I'm scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, of being let down... of failing... of messing it up again. But I can only try. I can only pray, and do what I feel god is telling me to do. I hope you all have a good weekend and let god bless you in his way, which is more than you can even imagine possible.
I've been living in a prison of fear. You know.. that place where you know you need to move but you can't make your feet go...I would break down in tears, because I was so moved, yet I couldn't let myself get hurt again.. or fail jackie yet again. I was in a prison within my own heart. I've been doing better about reading the word, and also starting to trust god the way that I should, and that he's deserving of. I've been hurt, and I don't want to hurt again. I've got to allow god to break down the wall around my heart and show me what love looks like.. so that I can recognize it in myself, and in others. I feel like there's a swelling of affection to give.. and too many times before I've been willing to give it away so easily.. and that's been something that has hurt me. So as hard as it is to withhold what I feel I need to give away so freely, I think I might have to. Or figure out in me what the difference is between showing love to others, and receiving what I feel is love from others.
I feel I've been lacking in my life and there's this large urge to "do" something about it. I don't know what it'll look like... and to be honest I'm scared... I'm scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, of being let down... of failing... of messing it up again. But I can only try. I can only pray, and do what I feel god is telling me to do. I hope you all have a good weekend and let god bless you in his way, which is more than you can even imagine possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)