An epiphany...of sorts...

Today, I think more so that not, I've been made blatantly aware of how much I still need to grow in my personal relationship with Christ. But not only that; How much I need to continue to not just ask for forgiveness with the ultimate goal of being forgiven of the repercussions of my sin, but truly turning away from the ways that have led me there in the first place.

I think that personally this is the area I struggle the most. It's become more of a habit to ask for forgiveness because I don't want the consequences, but to truly turn away is something I still feel bogs me down everyday.

Today I was reminded that God doesn't always answer our prayers in the ways that we want them answered, but in the end, He always has a plan that is so much more than we could ever imagine. It's been a difficult 6+ months not really understanding why my life took the turns that it did both in my marriage and my family... But I have a feeling some of it was to see where my heart was (to show myself), to show somewhat where the path of Christ was in relation to where my walk had taken me, and to show me how things don't always go as planned.

I had gone WAAAYYY off path from where I thought my life was. In a short 6 months, I could almost feel my spirit take a turn... life in general just wasn't the same. But I think that once you're aware of the Spirit of Christ, there's always a little piece of you that hangs on, no matter how far away you might go from the path of your faith journey. That little piece of the Spirit is still within me, and I'm hungering again for more knowledge and how to better be a follower of Christ as well as a person who can show Christ's love for me in my everyday life.

So, I suppose my prayer and request from anyone who reads this, is that you continue to encourage those around you to lead a life of Christ, but also beware of where you are in your own journey. It may seem that everything is falling apart, but it may be that God is just putting the pieces where they need to go so that they fit into His puzzle rather than our own.

Hello...is there anybody out there?

Lately I feel like I'm seeing how fake people really are... how much of a fascade can people put on EVERY DAY and still feel like they are being themselves? I wish people would just be honest, upfront, and just say what they feel, instead of feeling like everyone needs to be politically correct about everything... in the end it just hurts people.

In other news,things are starting to gear up for summer. I've decided to run a 1/2 marathon in October... I start training Monday. I'm excited to see if I can finish this goal, to say that I've done something just for me. It's been awhile since I've ran, let along anything of measurable distance, but I'm excited to get on track with something like this. I'm trying to keep Jackie and I busy with trips to the park, and fun things to do outside. I want her to grow up knowing the fun we had versus the stress we had. I love that little girl to pieces!!

That's about all there is for today... I'll update once I finish that first training run!! HAHA

Trying to find myself

It's been awhile now... several things have come to pass. The old house is on the market, ready to sell, and we just had our estate sale, so all the excess is gone. I still have a few items to pick up, just need to get up motivation to clean out my car enough!!! HAHA! I find myself still having trouble with budgeting..especially on things such as food and gas... I'm so used to that being such a big part of my life... it's hard to change mentality towards it....especially not only going healthier, but only feeding half the # of people. But I'm learning... and hopefully quickly it'll become more habit, and easier to deal with.

I'm also struggling to find myself... and who I am in Christ. Finding the balance between needing the relationships with my friends, the relationship I have with Christ, which needs to grow, and how to deal with the amount of affection I feel for people in general. It's almost like I have a habit...an addiction...to loving and helping people. Monetarily, this isn't happening anymore, simply because I can't bring myself to trust that it'll be ok, when the budget shows $3 at the end of the month, without tithing... But also to show people how I love them.. how I want so badly to help... and all I can do is sit. Searching for the open door is difficult, but I hope I find it soon.

That's really all there is right now. With spring/summer here, it's been nice to get out with jackie, and have her play outside. Hope we get to do it more often. Next on the calendar is self defense class and a trip to indiana to see family. I can't wait. :)

I get knocked down... but I get up again.....

Everything in this life worth having, is worth the struggle to obtain it.

We hear this all to often, especially when it comes to having success in the business place. But, don't you think that this is also true in our personal lives? When it comes to our relationships with Christ, I can't tell you how often I've been knocked down. It seems as though as I gain one step forward, there's always something pushing it's way at me to knock me back... but I keep the knowlege that there's something worth fighting for. I may not know what it is, or understand it, but there is something there. God has a purpose for us all, and I'm sure if I knew what was supposed to happen, I wouldn't do it due to fear or simply not understanding God's will in my life. But, the fight is still there to gain more knowledge about my God, about the one who so graciously gave his life before I was ever thought of. There's a constant struggle in the 18'' between my head and my heart. Very rarely it seems we are on the same page, and this is where the most constant struggle seems to be. I think once I'm able to set my head and my heart on the same path, it will be easier to to fight against those forces trying to push me back.

So for now, it comes down to remembering that God has a plan for all of us (Jer. 29:11), and that we would surely mess it up if we knew all that was planned for our lives. It comes to down to trust, which I admittingly have trouble with. I hope I can count on those close to me to help me trust in God's will so that I might be used so that His glory is spread throughout the world.

Failures, Cycles, and other ramblings.

Everything seems to happen in cycles...very few things in life are truly linear. This can make change very difficult, and more like a spiral than a jump from one path to another.

I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.

I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.

I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.