Everything seems to happen in cycles...very few things in life are truly linear. This can make change very difficult, and more like a spiral than a jump from one path to another.
I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.
I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.
I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.
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