It's different now... but it will be so much better!

To be honest....things are, well, different.
If you haven't guessed, my husband of almost 4 years and I have decided to split, and no longer work on our marriage. Two weeks after this decision was made, we was in a relationship with another woman, who is now pregnant with his child, due 2 weeks before Jackie's birthday. This information was so hard to comprehend, and swallow when first told that I think I was in such a dark place, I hardly remember it. It was very hard for me not to blame God for my position... but more so, not to continue to blame myself for failures, and being in the position I was in. Then....something happened!!

I went to our usual Wednesday night service, and God was DEFINITELY moving! It wasn't so much the message but the music that God used that day to remind me of the love that He has for all of us. The devotionals that I had picked back up were so uplifting, and reminded me that even in our failures, even in our stumbling, God is there! It wasn't until that point that I truly felt peace in my heart. I thought I had overcome other issues of our relationship being over, but in reality, I wasn't. But after that day... God gave my heart and my mind peace. Even to this day, when issues arise, It still hurts... so much of my life was invested in the relationship we had... but then, a wave of peace that is so much bigger swells up, and I'm at rest again.

And now, here I am again... in a place where my soul is stirring... God is up to something... I can almost feel it. The only thing I get disappointed about is the fact I don't know the direction. I get the feeling that there is SO MUCH MORE!! But where do I start digging to get there? His Word is touching me more and more every time I read it which is an amazing feeling to have. Then I feel like there needs to be work done... then my mind puts up a big stop sign saying... "WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Works do not get you into heaven you silly girl!"

The message yesterday was about works... do we still try to gain "heaven points" so we can earn positions as "God's Children". It reminded me that I can't focus on what I can and can't do in the church because that isn't what it's about... It's about spreading God's love to the WORLD and showing those that never knew him the incredible, undeserving love and grace He offers.

If I had my way, I'd be doing mission work somewhere in a far corner of the globe, surrounded by children and elderly of some unknown tribe... hearing stories, and sharing how God loves them so. How will I get there? I don't have that down just yet. But my first goal is to show Jackie the one true love that she will always, always have in her life... The love of her God! Even a parent's love for their child cannot engulf the love that is displayed between God and His Children! The forgiveness, grace, and mercy that we all get everyday is incomparable in our finite view of the world. I can only hope that one day, Jackie sees me as a Woman of God,  A strong mother, and a caring heart.

There's much love in this heart of mine to be given. I don't know why, but it seems as though I could give my whole life to others, and still feel as though I have more to give. And perhaps it is this level of affection that I desire for myself, even if I have a hard time showing this love, the feeling is immense when it is there. One day God will show me way His plan is for me to go. And hopefully, this time, I won't screw it up too much! I'm a work in progress, we all are. We must see ourselves for who we are, but also for who God has called us to be. I'm working on the calling part... where do you stand?