Friendships, fakes, and boundaries

Sometimes I get really tired of feeling like I'm only a person's friend for when they need something from me. I'd like to be valued by others the way I value their friendship... Just wish it wasn't so hurtful to see people's true colors. There are some relationships that I have where I know what I have to do  to make it work. However, there's a part of me that wants to be on the receiving end of a friendship to. I'm not saying that giving to a relationship isn't great.. because it is... however, its a two way street. Both people must give 100% for it to be a valuable, productive relationship. I'm tired of being the one who seems to give 110% all the time, with no relief, and no payback.... just to be disappointed in the end. It causes me grief to put myself out there to find more friends, because I don't want it to end up the same way so many others have.. .with me being frustrated, and blurting out hurtful things, and a friendship that could truly be worthwhile, going by the wayside.

I'm frustrated, tired, worn down, and ready for a change. I can't ask people to change for me. I want to find those who are ready to have an integral part of a friendship that can be truly rewarding. Guess I'll have to keep my head down, and my heart with the boundary fence around it so that I can keep at bay the fakes, and only let in those who are ready.

Boundaries hurt, because they come from wanting to protect ourselves by keeping something in/out. In the last few years of my life, I've really put up many boundaries. From wanting to protect myself from the hurt of losing my grandma... to losing my husband and not wanting to trust others enough to let them in. and all the scenarios in between. It takes so much to take down a boundary that has been built with such force. When I realize how much I've been keeping myself from because of these boundaries, it gets discouraging, because I don't know if I can ever open up enough to let everyone see who I truly am. Brick by Brick, I try to take down the wall... but yet, then again.. different ones get put up because i get disappointed by others. Granted, I'd much rather have a few really close friends than a million acquaintances. I just feel very lonely at this point in my life. So many lives are so busy that we just forget to communicate, and to show each other that we care, other than a few notes on Facebook, or a text here and there.

I think it's time to turn around from where we are as a whole. To change our family tree from where it is growing... you know.. "the grass is always greener where you water it" kind of thing. I want to change where I'm watering my grass.

• I'm getting my family out of debt. From my own debt, to others in my family.... I want them to see how buying with cash on hand is better than the 0% down, life of servitude to the master (lender).
• I want to truly communicate with those around me. Not be socially awkward because I can't hold a conversation with a person face to face. Time to work on that. 
• I'm going to continue to be the friend I want others to be for me. I may not see progress super fast, but hopefully this will bring about those who want to be a friend to me.