cloudy...with a chance of rain

These are the days I just want to scream. I want to hide. To eat my body weight in ice cream. To just go to sleep and not wake up until everything is back the way it should be. It seems that everything in life is at such odds with everything else. Things seem to be going so well... then it just gets poured upon by "life" that it's suffocating, drowning, overwhelming. Slowly yet surly I feel as though I'm being overtaken by these feelings of guilt, short comings, and overall failure. I'm upset because by now I should have this thing called life down to a science... not needing to rely on others to get me through the basics. I feel like I'm supposed to be the one who has it under control so that my daughter doesn't see what a hell I'm living in. And I feel like I'm not doing a very good job. When do I say "enough is enough!", when do I start living word for word what a court of law has dictated as acceptable in the business transaction that is my divorce? At what point to I point to those and say this is how it is supposed to be? But I'm afraid if I do that, I'll be back at square one. There wont be the support that's supposed to be there. There won't be the money that is supposed to be there. The childcare, the visits, etc. It's bad enough that there's no solid relief, reliable schedules or timing for anything when it comes to that. Pride is such a terrible force in my life, that I feel a terrible sense of indebtedness anytime I need to ask for help when it comes to having someone watch my kid. To the point I get sick to my stomach because I don't want people to think that I'm using them, because I don't have much I can give in return. I feel bad asking for help when I know that there are people who need help more than I do. I make too much to be asking for help from government, but I make barely enough to make ends meet. I hate telling people how I feel because I feel it's always a downer, a damper on other people. Yet this is me... my whole life seems to be this huge rain cloud, with sparing breaks in the rain. I guess that's all for now.