cloudy...with a chance of rain

These are the days I just want to scream. I want to hide. To eat my body weight in ice cream. To just go to sleep and not wake up until everything is back the way it should be. It seems that everything in life is at such odds with everything else. Things seem to be going so well... then it just gets poured upon by "life" that it's suffocating, drowning, overwhelming. Slowly yet surly I feel as though I'm being overtaken by these feelings of guilt, short comings, and overall failure. I'm upset because by now I should have this thing called life down to a science... not needing to rely on others to get me through the basics. I feel like I'm supposed to be the one who has it under control so that my daughter doesn't see what a hell I'm living in. And I feel like I'm not doing a very good job. When do I say "enough is enough!", when do I start living word for word what a court of law has dictated as acceptable in the business transaction that is my divorce? At what point to I point to those and say this is how it is supposed to be? But I'm afraid if I do that, I'll be back at square one. There wont be the support that's supposed to be there. There won't be the money that is supposed to be there. The childcare, the visits, etc. It's bad enough that there's no solid relief, reliable schedules or timing for anything when it comes to that. Pride is such a terrible force in my life, that I feel a terrible sense of indebtedness anytime I need to ask for help when it comes to having someone watch my kid. To the point I get sick to my stomach because I don't want people to think that I'm using them, because I don't have much I can give in return. I feel bad asking for help when I know that there are people who need help more than I do. I make too much to be asking for help from government, but I make barely enough to make ends meet. I hate telling people how I feel because I feel it's always a downer, a damper on other people. Yet this is me... my whole life seems to be this huge rain cloud, with sparing breaks in the rain. I guess that's all for now.

Friendships, fakes, and boundaries

Sometimes I get really tired of feeling like I'm only a person's friend for when they need something from me. I'd like to be valued by others the way I value their friendship... Just wish it wasn't so hurtful to see people's true colors. There are some relationships that I have where I know what I have to do  to make it work. However, there's a part of me that wants to be on the receiving end of a friendship to. I'm not saying that giving to a relationship isn't great.. because it is... however, its a two way street. Both people must give 100% for it to be a valuable, productive relationship. I'm tired of being the one who seems to give 110% all the time, with no relief, and no payback.... just to be disappointed in the end. It causes me grief to put myself out there to find more friends, because I don't want it to end up the same way so many others have.. .with me being frustrated, and blurting out hurtful things, and a friendship that could truly be worthwhile, going by the wayside.

I'm frustrated, tired, worn down, and ready for a change. I can't ask people to change for me. I want to find those who are ready to have an integral part of a friendship that can be truly rewarding. Guess I'll have to keep my head down, and my heart with the boundary fence around it so that I can keep at bay the fakes, and only let in those who are ready.

Boundaries hurt, because they come from wanting to protect ourselves by keeping something in/out. In the last few years of my life, I've really put up many boundaries. From wanting to protect myself from the hurt of losing my grandma... to losing my husband and not wanting to trust others enough to let them in. and all the scenarios in between. It takes so much to take down a boundary that has been built with such force. When I realize how much I've been keeping myself from because of these boundaries, it gets discouraging, because I don't know if I can ever open up enough to let everyone see who I truly am. Brick by Brick, I try to take down the wall... but yet, then again.. different ones get put up because i get disappointed by others. Granted, I'd much rather have a few really close friends than a million acquaintances. I just feel very lonely at this point in my life. So many lives are so busy that we just forget to communicate, and to show each other that we care, other than a few notes on Facebook, or a text here and there.

I think it's time to turn around from where we are as a whole. To change our family tree from where it is growing... you know.. "the grass is always greener where you water it" kind of thing. I want to change where I'm watering my grass.

• I'm getting my family out of debt. From my own debt, to others in my family.... I want them to see how buying with cash on hand is better than the 0% down, life of servitude to the master (lender).
• I want to truly communicate with those around me. Not be socially awkward because I can't hold a conversation with a person face to face. Time to work on that. 
• I'm going to continue to be the friend I want others to be for me. I may not see progress super fast, but hopefully this will bring about those who want to be a friend to me. 

emotional desert..... check

Suppose I should've realized when I didn't get excited about one of my favorite past times that something was wrong. Here I am, in a funk, becoming a self loathing shadow of a person, and I don't know what to do. I'm sure there's much to be said about the weather, and my lack of gym time over the last week that have contributed to my lack of "feel good". And my diet certainly hasn't helped. It's the terrible feedback cycle where my self hatred and low self esteem create this void of self worth and make my carb craving sky rocket. UGH... Feeling slow and sluggish, I get more cravings for carbs....aka...sugar for energy, and feel worse than before.

I'm going to try and nip this in the bud and get my ass moving in the gym hard this week. Releasing serotonin so that I can maybe get some "feel good" back. I hate that this cycle moves in almost like clockwork every so often and I don't want this spell to last too long. 

Busy life schedule has taken its toll on me for a while. I'm hoping that once I'm immersed in a new situation that it'll be different. Hoping that what I've found is really what I want. That I've found someone who wants to take care of me, and who my heart in return is compelled to do the same. Just hope I haven't had wool pulled over my eyes in the attempt to find something that wasn't there. 

awkward.....

Yesterday was interesting for one reason. I went to an event that in the past, has been the one thing to rescue me from any type of sadness, burden, or trouble. But last night, it didn't. I'm unsure if it was because for the first time my grandma wasn't there, if it was because I still harbour feelings of awkwardness toward those who I feel could've handled certain situations better, if it was the room, or the songs.... I dont know. But usually, listening to barbershop music is my refuge, last night it was just a timefiller... I'm disappointed. Hurt. Unsure of why it doesn't feel the same. I hope soon that I'm able to find that refuge again, even if its in something else. Other than that.. life is going well. Jackie is finally potty trained, and doing slpendidly at it. Very few accidents, and it's been less of a hassle than I thought it would be (thank goodness!) I'm almost at a loss for what to do with myself at the moment because I'm approaching 1 year not having any classes for school, feels odd to not have to prepare myself. Suppose I should channel that energy into teaching Jackie :) I hope the world finds all of you out there okay. There is always good in every situation, even if it's hard to see it. I pray you are able to see the good even when it's surrounded by bad. Till we meet again.