breathe in....breathe out

slap in the face today that perception is truly reality. i feel awful, and only jope that forgivness as well as acceptance are in my future

Sometimes you just need to get it all out...

Sometimes you just need to get it all out...

I haven't let hardly any of it out, except to those parties that are involved...and I still don't know where I stand.
I'm being pulled in two different directions while standing still. Or maybe I'm screaming to get out while being caged in and I can't tell anyone what is happening.. who knows.
I don't know what's changed, what's the same, or where I even want this to go. So much uncertainty can make a person crazy, really.
I'm scared. Of the unknown, of the future, of making the wrong decision. How will I know if I make the right choice?? By finding out 5 years later? Since when did my life become the crazy train from ozzy?
I don't know... and that may be just the issue. My life is falling apart at the seams and I don't even know where it began. Even with less stress in some areas, I think I've just increased it in others. Muddling through the crap is where I'll be for at least the next few weeks... and hopefully I'll come out on the other side with a fresh look on how things will be.

ugh

Feeling lots of stress lately, and the feelings of failure swinging back around. Just wish this would all stop, and I never have to feel this way again. Then I look at jackie, and just pray that she never feels this way about anything. Is there something i can do right?

Slowly changing

Within the first quarter of this year, I've lost 14 pounds. It seems unreal because I haven't really been doing anything. I've changed a little of what I've eaten, but I've also made a commitment to spend one of my days off with my daughter doing an activity like the zoo, aquarium, park, etc. It's awesome. I feel good, but I know I can do better. I'm hoping that soon I can get myself into gear and start hitting the gym again. I miss weightlifting, and knowing I'm getting stronger because the resistance I choose gets bigger and bigger. Please keep me in your prayers to gain strength (physically and emotionally), continue this journey I'm on, and to become better aquainted with the person I want to be. See you all on the flip side :)

New year, New you

This is the saying I've seen all month in December and I think it is God trying to send me a message... as in, "wake up stupid!! it is time for a new you!!!" SO, a new me it will be. I have signed up for a free week pass for a gym, have talked about it with Josh and so its a go as long as i like the gym. If i don't i'll get another week pass for a different gym and fish for gyms until i find one i like. I'm also going to try and be more creative, organized, frugal and healthy... A lot, I know, but I think it's high time there was some order in my life.

To be brutally honest, I'm scared. Scared of what comes when I reach a goal, if I have trouble achieving a goal, or just plain get mad!! I don't want to feel like I've failed....and I will need help getting motivated some days, so bear with me.. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year full of hope, joy and happiness. :)