**sigh**

I hate it when I get these feelings of inadequacy just flooding into my heart. Today as I was getting Jackie ready for a birthday party, I just thought about how few clothes she has that fit her well, that aren't stained to all get out. It might have been that all the clothes i thought about her wearing were dirty... who knows... it just made me feel as though I'm not able to really provide for her the way I want to. I'm scared about this new job and us being able to make it on our own. I know that we can.... a budget proves that we can.. .but I just have to stick to it which is really hard to do.... even after having practice. Being able to get used to a new pay schedule, and seeing how little room there is to make a mistake makes it very daunting. I just hope I'm able to succeed. I also get scared of tithing and giving, because I'm afraid we won't have enough... but then how many have less than we do?? I'm i sooo poor that i have a cell phone, with internet on it at that??? or that I have a home I can run A/C and heat in?? I know there are people who are worse off than I, but it doesn't get rid of that nagging feeling.

I pray for peace for the moment, and for trusting in god's promise.

Someday...it'll be better

Some things in life never get easier.....especially when it deals with a broken heart

Where's my sunshine?

Feeling pretty down at the moment. So many things going on in such a short amount of time. Starting my new job full time tomorrow with all the anxiety and expectations that go with it....realizing the change from a job I've have for almost 7 years....not knowing where my future lies with certain people in my life...and feeling like there needs to be a plan made sometime in the next hour is causing there to be havoc in my soul. I want/need a fresh start in my life...and yes I've had that to a certain degree, but I feel that I need it from scratch. New location,  new job, just me and jackie. But there are so many things that would have to be done to do that....few of which wouldn't cause a complete uproar in my life as its already feeling like its topsey turvey. Life has a funny way of making you slow down when you want to race, and vice versa. 

Tis the season for change.

This past month has been a difficult one. With the 1-year anniversary of my grandma finding out she was sick, to dealing with stresses of being a parent, and new job offers, there was a lot on my mind...ALL. THE. TIME. But now, things are starting to cozy into the great routine of fall... weather is changing, pumpkin spice flavors are now EVERYWHERE :) and the weather is more palatable than that of a few months ago. I've been able to make great strides in my goal towards being debt free. I received my portion from the sale of my grandma's house. I was able to immediately pay off 2 credit cards and 4 out of 8 student loans. I'm also able to make sure I have a nice cushion for a rainy day/emergency. But I'm also able to do a few things for myself. Like get a new wardrobe that fits me, instead of falling off... and get a tattoo to symbolize that I will always remember my past and where I come from, but I'm a new person emerging from any pain, tears, and hurt that have happened. I really can't wait until I get to see the concept of it. I've also started a new job as a paralegal. It's definitely something different that I've never done before. I don't think it's especially hard, it's just new... and coming into the process without really knowing what it is can be a little overwhelming sometimes. But I look forward to this step in my journey forward. Jackie is doing so well. Seeing her grow everyday truly is a blessing for me. She's started doing "school" work with learning numbers and letters, and she does so well. I love seeing her learn. I only hope I can see more of it in the near future. Overall, things are good. I'm starting to trust more in where the Lord is leading me, which has always been an area of struggle for me. And I am trying to worry less about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of it's own.

Just one of them days.

This is just one of "them days" where I really don't feel good enough for anyone, or anything, that life is going in the wrong direction and I'm standing idly by watching as it crumbles. Yet there are so many good things that are happening, that I feel I'm in the middle of a crazy intersection, not knowing yet which flow of traffic to follow. I have great prospects in life that are really setting me up to do well. But I feel that I'm not good enough to truly make someone so happy that they fall head over heels, country song corny in love with someone like me. This wishy-washy, flow of emotions is just exhausting sometimes. At one end I feel I need more than just knowing that someone is there... I truly need more than that. But why isn't that good enough? What am I doing to make it better? to be honest, not much; so it seems at least. Then i wonder if i should wait this hard part out, and see where it goes, or cut losses and see what else I can do. Only time will tell.