a little discomfort, and a lot of prayer

Hey there world... today's been a rough one. Started with not feeling well at work... just an upset stomach..not too much.. then BAM!! I noticed something wasn't done right on a case... I've literally been up in knots about it all day and it probably won't go away until tomorrow... I'm very unhappy in where I'm at. I feel like many things need to be different but don't know where to start to change it. I'm taking it one step at a time but it isn't going to be long before there's a change in the wind that I can't resist.

Today is also a tough day because Jackie's half sister will be born. The last few weeks have been tough because there hasn't really been a ton of communication going on. I feel like more and more we (mostly she) gets pushed to the side and almost forgotten. And I can't help but be furious about it. However, it's not my place to be. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be, and to show that little bundle of excitement and joy that I love her no matter what. That is the very least I hope she gets from me. I pray for my heart to be healed of the hurt, but it feels like the wound is reopened often. I pray I can get past my personal feelings and focus on what a beautiful gift I get to spend my time with. I'm sad because she's not been invited to share in other's happy times also.

I pray for God to show me how he can work through me for good. I'm feeling a calling coming to me, but am again unsure of how to go about it. Or how to start it....it's so different, and I need to make sure all my ducks are at least close to a line before I make large moves in our lives.

Thats all for now really. I hope you all have a great weekend.

ready.... set....

Today I took a big step in faith. I walked in faith on something I've been pondering on for awhile. I pray that I see it bless others as it's blessed me so far. I'm also hoping that it will help bring me closer to God. I feel like I'm ready for something more in my life. Whether its more time with friends and family... a new family of my own... or just this new relationship with god... I feel I'm ready for it.

I've been living in a prison of fear. You know.. that place where you know you need to move but you can't make your feet go...I would break down in tears, because I was so moved, yet I couldn't let myself get hurt again.. or fail jackie yet again. I was in a prison within my own heart. I've been doing better about reading the word, and also starting to trust god the way that I should, and that he's deserving of. I've been hurt, and I don't want to hurt again. I've got to allow god to break down the wall around my heart and show me what love looks like.. so that I can recognize it in myself, and in others. I feel like there's a swelling of affection to give.. and too many times before I've been willing to give it away so easily.. and that's been something that has hurt me. So as hard as it is to withhold what I feel I need to give away so freely, I think I might have to. Or figure out in me what the difference is between showing love to others, and receiving what I feel is love from others.

I feel I've been lacking in my life and there's this large urge to "do" something about it. I don't know what it'll look like... and to be honest I'm scared... I'm scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, of being let down... of failing... of messing it up again. But I can only try. I can only pray, and do what I feel god is telling me to do. I hope you all have a good weekend and let god bless you in his way, which is more than you can even imagine possible.

**sigh**

I hate it when I get these feelings of inadequacy just flooding into my heart. Today as I was getting Jackie ready for a birthday party, I just thought about how few clothes she has that fit her well, that aren't stained to all get out. It might have been that all the clothes i thought about her wearing were dirty... who knows... it just made me feel as though I'm not able to really provide for her the way I want to. I'm scared about this new job and us being able to make it on our own. I know that we can.... a budget proves that we can.. .but I just have to stick to it which is really hard to do.... even after having practice. Being able to get used to a new pay schedule, and seeing how little room there is to make a mistake makes it very daunting. I just hope I'm able to succeed. I also get scared of tithing and giving, because I'm afraid we won't have enough... but then how many have less than we do?? I'm i sooo poor that i have a cell phone, with internet on it at that??? or that I have a home I can run A/C and heat in?? I know there are people who are worse off than I, but it doesn't get rid of that nagging feeling.

I pray for peace for the moment, and for trusting in god's promise.

Someday...it'll be better

Some things in life never get easier.....especially when it deals with a broken heart

Where's my sunshine?

Feeling pretty down at the moment. So many things going on in such a short amount of time. Starting my new job full time tomorrow with all the anxiety and expectations that go with it....realizing the change from a job I've have for almost 7 years....not knowing where my future lies with certain people in my life...and feeling like there needs to be a plan made sometime in the next hour is causing there to be havoc in my soul. I want/need a fresh start in my life...and yes I've had that to a certain degree, but I feel that I need it from scratch. New location,  new job, just me and jackie. But there are so many things that would have to be done to do that....few of which wouldn't cause a complete uproar in my life as its already feeling like its topsey turvey. Life has a funny way of making you slow down when you want to race, and vice versa. 

Tis the season for change.

This past month has been a difficult one. With the 1-year anniversary of my grandma finding out she was sick, to dealing with stresses of being a parent, and new job offers, there was a lot on my mind...ALL. THE. TIME. But now, things are starting to cozy into the great routine of fall... weather is changing, pumpkin spice flavors are now EVERYWHERE :) and the weather is more palatable than that of a few months ago. I've been able to make great strides in my goal towards being debt free. I received my portion from the sale of my grandma's house. I was able to immediately pay off 2 credit cards and 4 out of 8 student loans. I'm also able to make sure I have a nice cushion for a rainy day/emergency. But I'm also able to do a few things for myself. Like get a new wardrobe that fits me, instead of falling off... and get a tattoo to symbolize that I will always remember my past and where I come from, but I'm a new person emerging from any pain, tears, and hurt that have happened. I really can't wait until I get to see the concept of it. I've also started a new job as a paralegal. It's definitely something different that I've never done before. I don't think it's especially hard, it's just new... and coming into the process without really knowing what it is can be a little overwhelming sometimes. But I look forward to this step in my journey forward. Jackie is doing so well. Seeing her grow everyday truly is a blessing for me. She's started doing "school" work with learning numbers and letters, and she does so well. I love seeing her learn. I only hope I can see more of it in the near future. Overall, things are good. I'm starting to trust more in where the Lord is leading me, which has always been an area of struggle for me. And I am trying to worry less about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of it's own.

Just one of them days.

This is just one of "them days" where I really don't feel good enough for anyone, or anything, that life is going in the wrong direction and I'm standing idly by watching as it crumbles. Yet there are so many good things that are happening, that I feel I'm in the middle of a crazy intersection, not knowing yet which flow of traffic to follow. I have great prospects in life that are really setting me up to do well. But I feel that I'm not good enough to truly make someone so happy that they fall head over heels, country song corny in love with someone like me. This wishy-washy, flow of emotions is just exhausting sometimes. At one end I feel I need more than just knowing that someone is there... I truly need more than that. But why isn't that good enough? What am I doing to make it better? to be honest, not much; so it seems at least. Then i wonder if i should wait this hard part out, and see where it goes, or cut losses and see what else I can do. Only time will tell.

cloudy...with a chance of rain

These are the days I just want to scream. I want to hide. To eat my body weight in ice cream. To just go to sleep and not wake up until everything is back the way it should be. It seems that everything in life is at such odds with everything else. Things seem to be going so well... then it just gets poured upon by "life" that it's suffocating, drowning, overwhelming. Slowly yet surly I feel as though I'm being overtaken by these feelings of guilt, short comings, and overall failure. I'm upset because by now I should have this thing called life down to a science... not needing to rely on others to get me through the basics. I feel like I'm supposed to be the one who has it under control so that my daughter doesn't see what a hell I'm living in. And I feel like I'm not doing a very good job. When do I say "enough is enough!", when do I start living word for word what a court of law has dictated as acceptable in the business transaction that is my divorce? At what point to I point to those and say this is how it is supposed to be? But I'm afraid if I do that, I'll be back at square one. There wont be the support that's supposed to be there. There won't be the money that is supposed to be there. The childcare, the visits, etc. It's bad enough that there's no solid relief, reliable schedules or timing for anything when it comes to that. Pride is such a terrible force in my life, that I feel a terrible sense of indebtedness anytime I need to ask for help when it comes to having someone watch my kid. To the point I get sick to my stomach because I don't want people to think that I'm using them, because I don't have much I can give in return. I feel bad asking for help when I know that there are people who need help more than I do. I make too much to be asking for help from government, but I make barely enough to make ends meet. I hate telling people how I feel because I feel it's always a downer, a damper on other people. Yet this is me... my whole life seems to be this huge rain cloud, with sparing breaks in the rain. I guess that's all for now.

Friendships, fakes, and boundaries

Sometimes I get really tired of feeling like I'm only a person's friend for when they need something from me. I'd like to be valued by others the way I value their friendship... Just wish it wasn't so hurtful to see people's true colors. There are some relationships that I have where I know what I have to do  to make it work. However, there's a part of me that wants to be on the receiving end of a friendship to. I'm not saying that giving to a relationship isn't great.. because it is... however, its a two way street. Both people must give 100% for it to be a valuable, productive relationship. I'm tired of being the one who seems to give 110% all the time, with no relief, and no payback.... just to be disappointed in the end. It causes me grief to put myself out there to find more friends, because I don't want it to end up the same way so many others have.. .with me being frustrated, and blurting out hurtful things, and a friendship that could truly be worthwhile, going by the wayside.

I'm frustrated, tired, worn down, and ready for a change. I can't ask people to change for me. I want to find those who are ready to have an integral part of a friendship that can be truly rewarding. Guess I'll have to keep my head down, and my heart with the boundary fence around it so that I can keep at bay the fakes, and only let in those who are ready.

Boundaries hurt, because they come from wanting to protect ourselves by keeping something in/out. In the last few years of my life, I've really put up many boundaries. From wanting to protect myself from the hurt of losing my grandma... to losing my husband and not wanting to trust others enough to let them in. and all the scenarios in between. It takes so much to take down a boundary that has been built with such force. When I realize how much I've been keeping myself from because of these boundaries, it gets discouraging, because I don't know if I can ever open up enough to let everyone see who I truly am. Brick by Brick, I try to take down the wall... but yet, then again.. different ones get put up because i get disappointed by others. Granted, I'd much rather have a few really close friends than a million acquaintances. I just feel very lonely at this point in my life. So many lives are so busy that we just forget to communicate, and to show each other that we care, other than a few notes on Facebook, or a text here and there.

I think it's time to turn around from where we are as a whole. To change our family tree from where it is growing... you know.. "the grass is always greener where you water it" kind of thing. I want to change where I'm watering my grass.

• I'm getting my family out of debt. From my own debt, to others in my family.... I want them to see how buying with cash on hand is better than the 0% down, life of servitude to the master (lender).
• I want to truly communicate with those around me. Not be socially awkward because I can't hold a conversation with a person face to face. Time to work on that. 
• I'm going to continue to be the friend I want others to be for me. I may not see progress super fast, but hopefully this will bring about those who want to be a friend to me. 

emotional desert..... check

Suppose I should've realized when I didn't get excited about one of my favorite past times that something was wrong. Here I am, in a funk, becoming a self loathing shadow of a person, and I don't know what to do. I'm sure there's much to be said about the weather, and my lack of gym time over the last week that have contributed to my lack of "feel good". And my diet certainly hasn't helped. It's the terrible feedback cycle where my self hatred and low self esteem create this void of self worth and make my carb craving sky rocket. UGH... Feeling slow and sluggish, I get more cravings for carbs....aka...sugar for energy, and feel worse than before.

I'm going to try and nip this in the bud and get my ass moving in the gym hard this week. Releasing serotonin so that I can maybe get some "feel good" back. I hate that this cycle moves in almost like clockwork every so often and I don't want this spell to last too long. 

Busy life schedule has taken its toll on me for a while. I'm hoping that once I'm immersed in a new situation that it'll be different. Hoping that what I've found is really what I want. That I've found someone who wants to take care of me, and who my heart in return is compelled to do the same. Just hope I haven't had wool pulled over my eyes in the attempt to find something that wasn't there. 

awkward.....

Yesterday was interesting for one reason. I went to an event that in the past, has been the one thing to rescue me from any type of sadness, burden, or trouble. But last night, it didn't. I'm unsure if it was because for the first time my grandma wasn't there, if it was because I still harbour feelings of awkwardness toward those who I feel could've handled certain situations better, if it was the room, or the songs.... I dont know. But usually, listening to barbershop music is my refuge, last night it was just a timefiller... I'm disappointed. Hurt. Unsure of why it doesn't feel the same. I hope soon that I'm able to find that refuge again, even if its in something else. Other than that.. life is going well. Jackie is finally potty trained, and doing slpendidly at it. Very few accidents, and it's been less of a hassle than I thought it would be (thank goodness!) I'm almost at a loss for what to do with myself at the moment because I'm approaching 1 year not having any classes for school, feels odd to not have to prepare myself. Suppose I should channel that energy into teaching Jackie :) I hope the world finds all of you out there okay. There is always good in every situation, even if it's hard to see it. I pray you are able to see the good even when it's surrounded by bad. Till we meet again.

This is where I begin...

Thought today would be a good day to just go over in my head and write down what it is exactly that I believe... look at where my heart/head/soul are. If you agree/disagree, that's cool. It's up to each of us to make our own choices... So... here it goes.

Firstly.. I believe in One God. One that created the universe, and creatures within it. One that has a compassionate heart, because He loves his creation.

I believe that Jesus is the savior that has created a new covenant between people and God, and it is because of him that I have the opportunity to go to heaven; if i choose to live by God's word.

I believe that there are circumstances which can only be explained by intervention of a divine power.

That there is such a thing as evolution-- on a micro level. I do not think we came from apes, fish or any other animal; but that we've changed over millions of years to become the creatures we are today on the smaller scale; such as how our teeth have changed, how our skin changes based on where we are in the world, and how resiliant our bodies are to change in environment.

Genetics has a role in disease, but more so does environmental factors, such as food, work and air we breathe and pollute.

I think that so many misunderstandings in the "church" are causing people to be driven away. As the people of God, we shouldn't be fighting over how communion is done, but how we are going to spread the word of Christ to the people who haven't heard of him.

You can listen to any music you want, and still hold true to your beliefs.

I believe that our time on earth is limited... there's not reincarnation, or other lives that we need to strive to be better for.

That you can drink, smoke have tattoos and still be a useful child of god.

I believe that social rights and religious freedoms have been confused for far too long. So in that aspect... I do not support gay marriage, as I think it should be a covenant between the two people and God.. and God has written that it is not to be between two of the same sex. However, as far as social rights, like benefits, power of attorney, etc., I have no problem with... we should be able to choose who has these priveledges over our lives when the time comes.

I disagree with my own divorce. I don't think that I should have had to go through with it, based on our situation. However, both parties needed to be on the same page, and we weren't. I went for the divorce to protect my child and myself.

That other religions, belief systems have their role that they fill... all religions do.... they try to explain the "why" of our existence. Some make you work for your salvation, or reward... others do not.. Some of these cultures are truly beautiful. Yes... i said it... They are beautiful. However, that doesn't mean that I have given up everything I believe in.

Science has its place. Humans have minds that are exponentially full of potential. We only use 10% of the available "space". Science only explains the "how" of the world, and our surroundings. It still can't describe Love, hate, or other feelings beyond a synapse in the brain and hormones that are released. We still have a long way to go, and I'm very pro-science.

Just as two people can compromise on major life decisions, so can people be with someone who doesn't believe the same ideas that they do. I feel it can broaden our horizons. Open our eyes to something we may not have been aware of before.

I believe in living a simple life. I'm trying to work my way towards that everyday... simplifying, getting back to natural products, remedies, and food. I don't want man made chemicals running my life, making me sicker and lazier than I already am.

In the end, I think being "good people" is where a majority of our responsibility lies. Being there for your neighbor; being the person you want others to be to you; showing compassion and grace when it is least expected of you.

I do not think that my work is done. It isn't only about these things, but these are some biggies I feel affect us all. I hope these make sense and my reasonings are coherent. I have so much to learn in my new journey, and how I want Jackie to grow up. My hope is that I can present her with the most accurate information and let her choose what she believes in.

Hope everyone has a good Sunday.

Welcome to the new 'normal'

There's so much that is to be learned from this new season of life. Mostly....that in some ways my life will always be connected to his...and unfortunately,  money is one of those ways....right now I'm very frustrated having to be dealing with things that are shared responsibilities, on a singular level....and in reality, I will always have to be prepared for being solely responsible.  It stinks to be honest....but like I said, this is a new normal.

Thankfully I have a few things coming my way that will help significantly in the amount I owe others, so that I might be more readily prepared. 

I'm sorry this post is more on the sadder part of my new life, but it is what is most concerning at the moment. Tomorrow will be better and I can't let my worry steal that away from me.

Beginnings, Ends, and Middles

Well, tomorrow is a big day. It marks the end of a chapter in my life that began 7.5 years ago. It brought me much joy, and happiness; but it has also brought tears. Tomorrow, there will be one less thing to worry about, but what seems like and infinite number of new things that will always be in the back of my mind.

I hope that I can use this opportunity to show Jackie how a strong woman would act, and react to hardships, and how leaning on Christ can pull you through anything that is thrown at you. For it is strictly because Him, that I am really at peace, in a way that I would have never understood before. Of course I have my ups and downs, get frustrated, and angry. But then I'm reminded that in all reality, in spirituality, I truly am in a better place than I have ever been. I hope that my friends and family continue being the wonderful people that they are, allowing me to use their shoulders to cry on; but also that they allow me to return their favors, and let me help bring them up now that this chapter is closing.

Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to write another post about closure, with a perspective buyer for the house we used to live in. It'll be hard looking at it as someone else's home from now on, but I'll always have the memories that were made there.

I'll Leave you with a song, that was sung tonight, and it really went with the Word that we read. It was about the parable of the dinner party, where people were invited to this extravagant dinner, yet when they were told to come- they all made excuses that were obviously made just to get out of the party. So, the host gathered any and everyone else they could find to fill their home...stating that those originally invited would not taste of the feast to be had. It made me think... how many times to we make excuses? and we know they aren't valid reasons... whether its spiritually, with exercise, with food, work, money... We as people need to start taking responsibility and become accountable. But after that scripture "Your Love Never Fails" was sung and it almost made it sting a little more... Even though we make excuses as to why we do or don't do something... God's love will never fail us.. He will always be there, holding the lamp that will light the way to come back to him.


Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jesus_culture/

Somethin's comin.....somethin' good...

Sometimes it's almost comical how God can work in our lives.

Just yesterday I asked for prayer from a friend because I can feel myself starting a "depression" swing, things start irritating me more, I feel very isolated from everyone, including those closest to me, and I can't seem to get a grip on the most mundane things of life. Well, I also prayed... asking for someone to reach out... and lo and behold...not even 30 minutes later, a friend I haven't talked to in awhile, messaged me... it took me a minute to realize that I had in front of me an answered prayer! The fact it took me that long to realize it seems silly. But it was a physical "thing" I needed, from God... and He provided, with no hesitation.

Sometimes it's still dumbfounding to think that things like that happen. That prayers do get answered... even if not in our time... mine, fortunately was..but not all of them happen that quickly.

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you all my story, and to encourage you to not forget that there is always someone there who loves you more than anything, who cares about what's troubling you. If you need a friend, I'm here. My heart is open, and I'll give you as much as you need.

"For those to whom love is a stranger, may they find in you most generous friends"

Just an update.

Thought I would get back on here and give a few updates.

Work is... well....work :) There's always opportunities, just need to wait for the right one. Frustrations are continuing while I try to compensate for other schedules. Sometimes I feel so bad that Jackie is having to spend so much time with others because of our schedules. But then again, it's necessary. Hopefully it'll change soon, and we won't have to worry about it nearly as much.

Jackie is continuously growing and expanding her knowledge everyday, sometimes I feel as though I can't keep up with her! Our next big step is to try potty training again in a few weeks... she's showing more signs that she's ready, so hopefully it'll be better this time. :) She's speaking in sentences and shows me everyday how she takes after me and my stubborness :)

I'm still struggling with how I want to tackle this ministry that I feel has been laid on my heart. I'm hoping to spend some more time soon looking at how logistics would work, and who we can help soon!! I've also become very hard on myself to do better with what we have, so that we can succeed and be a happy family. It's going to be a tough road, but I know it is well worth the battle to get there.

Finally, I'm also looking into a new gym that allows for kids, and classes, and is still very affordable. It would give me the availability to get back into weights, and feel better about myself... I. Can. Not. Wait. :) Many many opportunities, and so many things to be excited about, I can only hope that I can contain myself :) I have so many things to be thankful for, and I don't say thank you nearly enough. Sometimes I feel bad, because I continue to say thanks to those who I feel I'm endebted to... but it never seem to be enough. I hope these people know the true gratitude I have for them being in my life.

Thank God for friends, family and taking care of my every need. Now to continue to become more of the person God sees me as, and less of what the world sees me as.

Know your place... betcha it's not what you think.

Something great was shared yesterday at church about our minds getting in the way of what we're supposed to be doing in our faithworks for Christ. It opened my eyes a little to where my mind might be getting in the way of my heart, and in the way of God doing good things through me. But it also got me thinking how often do we do things that we think are God leading us, but its really what we want. And, what if God calls us to a specific group of people, and not others? Is it up to us to feel guilty for where we feel we are called? Don't get me wrong... I think that there is always more we can do, but there is a specific purpose that God has for each and every one of us. We might not be able to help every hurting child, or sick person in the world. But God may call us to help just one portion of them. Whether it be the poor in your neighborhood, or a remote villiage in Uganda... They are all God's people. Who's to say that you're not meant to only minister to a select few to begin with? Your calling may change, as God places more of His plan in front of you, but I don't think we should feel guilty at all if we KNOW where God has put us. We DO need clarity to know that we are doing things for the right reason, however. Just because someone lives in a different part of the world doesn't mean that they are any less or more worthy of being helped than any other human being. Pray for clarity in God's plan for you, so that YOU understand it.. not the world. Pray for help in acheiving the goal, as anything in God is possible.

Just something that is on my mind today as I pray myself for clarity in where He is leading me.

Recoup time!

I'm back from a wonderful vacation to see my cousins who recently moved to Evansville, Indiana. It always does my heart some good when I'm able to spend time with them, not only as family, but as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

These cousins in particular have grown so much spiritually, and I can't thank God enough for putting them in my life. I have learned so much by what they've gone through, and how they chose to live their lives everyday, that I hope that one day, my life might be looked upon in the same way. It was "sorta" relaxing, as there were 4 kids under the age of four always running around entertaining us, and then us three adults. It was wonderful to see how "normal" life could be for people that strike me as "abnormal".... in the good way. 

There isn't the magic pill, spell, or action that makes life as a true Christian any easier. In fact, I think God knows far too well that it will be even more difficult than if we choose not to be. However, there is some comfort in knowing that there will be disagreements, crying children, frustrating bills and animals..... yet even in the midst of all of that... God is still there in the center, holding it together for us. 

Matthew 6:33 was brought up a few times during my visit. It's a scripture that has multiple meanings and applications, but to me, this weekend, it was about worry. It states to "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you." It says that there's no need to worry, because God has already provided for us, when He took our sins... When we became man and went through everything that we went through... so that we wouldn't have to worry. It's still difficult to make that conscious decision to put down the worry, and to pick up the Word. And to have total faith in God's timing and not my own. 

This is really a test of being able to put my own priorities, and timelines aside, for the betterment of myself, my family, and of those around me, if I'm able to proceed toward Him, and His Glory, and His timing. His plan WILL WORK!!! But, only if you allow yourself to be placed fully in it without trying to change the puzzle piece that you've become. 

An epiphany...of sorts...

Today, I think more so that not, I've been made blatantly aware of how much I still need to grow in my personal relationship with Christ. But not only that; How much I need to continue to not just ask for forgiveness with the ultimate goal of being forgiven of the repercussions of my sin, but truly turning away from the ways that have led me there in the first place.

I think that personally this is the area I struggle the most. It's become more of a habit to ask for forgiveness because I don't want the consequences, but to truly turn away is something I still feel bogs me down everyday.

Today I was reminded that God doesn't always answer our prayers in the ways that we want them answered, but in the end, He always has a plan that is so much more than we could ever imagine. It's been a difficult 6+ months not really understanding why my life took the turns that it did both in my marriage and my family... But I have a feeling some of it was to see where my heart was (to show myself), to show somewhat where the path of Christ was in relation to where my walk had taken me, and to show me how things don't always go as planned.

I had gone WAAAYYY off path from where I thought my life was. In a short 6 months, I could almost feel my spirit take a turn... life in general just wasn't the same. But I think that once you're aware of the Spirit of Christ, there's always a little piece of you that hangs on, no matter how far away you might go from the path of your faith journey. That little piece of the Spirit is still within me, and I'm hungering again for more knowledge and how to better be a follower of Christ as well as a person who can show Christ's love for me in my everyday life.

So, I suppose my prayer and request from anyone who reads this, is that you continue to encourage those around you to lead a life of Christ, but also beware of where you are in your own journey. It may seem that everything is falling apart, but it may be that God is just putting the pieces where they need to go so that they fit into His puzzle rather than our own.

Hello...is there anybody out there?

Lately I feel like I'm seeing how fake people really are... how much of a fascade can people put on EVERY DAY and still feel like they are being themselves? I wish people would just be honest, upfront, and just say what they feel, instead of feeling like everyone needs to be politically correct about everything... in the end it just hurts people.

In other news,things are starting to gear up for summer. I've decided to run a 1/2 marathon in October... I start training Monday. I'm excited to see if I can finish this goal, to say that I've done something just for me. It's been awhile since I've ran, let along anything of measurable distance, but I'm excited to get on track with something like this. I'm trying to keep Jackie and I busy with trips to the park, and fun things to do outside. I want her to grow up knowing the fun we had versus the stress we had. I love that little girl to pieces!!

That's about all there is for today... I'll update once I finish that first training run!! HAHA

Trying to find myself

It's been awhile now... several things have come to pass. The old house is on the market, ready to sell, and we just had our estate sale, so all the excess is gone. I still have a few items to pick up, just need to get up motivation to clean out my car enough!!! HAHA! I find myself still having trouble with budgeting..especially on things such as food and gas... I'm so used to that being such a big part of my life... it's hard to change mentality towards it....especially not only going healthier, but only feeding half the # of people. But I'm learning... and hopefully quickly it'll become more habit, and easier to deal with.

I'm also struggling to find myself... and who I am in Christ. Finding the balance between needing the relationships with my friends, the relationship I have with Christ, which needs to grow, and how to deal with the amount of affection I feel for people in general. It's almost like I have a habit...an addiction...to loving and helping people. Monetarily, this isn't happening anymore, simply because I can't bring myself to trust that it'll be ok, when the budget shows $3 at the end of the month, without tithing... But also to show people how I love them.. how I want so badly to help... and all I can do is sit. Searching for the open door is difficult, but I hope I find it soon.

That's really all there is right now. With spring/summer here, it's been nice to get out with jackie, and have her play outside. Hope we get to do it more often. Next on the calendar is self defense class and a trip to indiana to see family. I can't wait. :)

I get knocked down... but I get up again.....

Everything in this life worth having, is worth the struggle to obtain it.

We hear this all to often, especially when it comes to having success in the business place. But, don't you think that this is also true in our personal lives? When it comes to our relationships with Christ, I can't tell you how often I've been knocked down. It seems as though as I gain one step forward, there's always something pushing it's way at me to knock me back... but I keep the knowlege that there's something worth fighting for. I may not know what it is, or understand it, but there is something there. God has a purpose for us all, and I'm sure if I knew what was supposed to happen, I wouldn't do it due to fear or simply not understanding God's will in my life. But, the fight is still there to gain more knowledge about my God, about the one who so graciously gave his life before I was ever thought of. There's a constant struggle in the 18'' between my head and my heart. Very rarely it seems we are on the same page, and this is where the most constant struggle seems to be. I think once I'm able to set my head and my heart on the same path, it will be easier to to fight against those forces trying to push me back.

So for now, it comes down to remembering that God has a plan for all of us (Jer. 29:11), and that we would surely mess it up if we knew all that was planned for our lives. It comes to down to trust, which I admittingly have trouble with. I hope I can count on those close to me to help me trust in God's will so that I might be used so that His glory is spread throughout the world.

Failures, Cycles, and other ramblings.

Everything seems to happen in cycles...very few things in life are truly linear. This can make change very difficult, and more like a spiral than a jump from one path to another.

I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.

I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.

I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.

It's different now... but it will be so much better!

To be honest....things are, well, different.
If you haven't guessed, my husband of almost 4 years and I have decided to split, and no longer work on our marriage. Two weeks after this decision was made, we was in a relationship with another woman, who is now pregnant with his child, due 2 weeks before Jackie's birthday. This information was so hard to comprehend, and swallow when first told that I think I was in such a dark place, I hardly remember it. It was very hard for me not to blame God for my position... but more so, not to continue to blame myself for failures, and being in the position I was in. Then....something happened!!

I went to our usual Wednesday night service, and God was DEFINITELY moving! It wasn't so much the message but the music that God used that day to remind me of the love that He has for all of us. The devotionals that I had picked back up were so uplifting, and reminded me that even in our failures, even in our stumbling, God is there! It wasn't until that point that I truly felt peace in my heart. I thought I had overcome other issues of our relationship being over, but in reality, I wasn't. But after that day... God gave my heart and my mind peace. Even to this day, when issues arise, It still hurts... so much of my life was invested in the relationship we had... but then, a wave of peace that is so much bigger swells up, and I'm at rest again.

And now, here I am again... in a place where my soul is stirring... God is up to something... I can almost feel it. The only thing I get disappointed about is the fact I don't know the direction. I get the feeling that there is SO MUCH MORE!! But where do I start digging to get there? His Word is touching me more and more every time I read it which is an amazing feeling to have. Then I feel like there needs to be work done... then my mind puts up a big stop sign saying... "WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Works do not get you into heaven you silly girl!"

The message yesterday was about works... do we still try to gain "heaven points" so we can earn positions as "God's Children". It reminded me that I can't focus on what I can and can't do in the church because that isn't what it's about... It's about spreading God's love to the WORLD and showing those that never knew him the incredible, undeserving love and grace He offers.

If I had my way, I'd be doing mission work somewhere in a far corner of the globe, surrounded by children and elderly of some unknown tribe... hearing stories, and sharing how God loves them so. How will I get there? I don't have that down just yet. But my first goal is to show Jackie the one true love that she will always, always have in her life... The love of her God! Even a parent's love for their child cannot engulf the love that is displayed between God and His Children! The forgiveness, grace, and mercy that we all get everyday is incomparable in our finite view of the world. I can only hope that one day, Jackie sees me as a Woman of God,  A strong mother, and a caring heart.

There's much love in this heart of mine to be given. I don't know why, but it seems as though I could give my whole life to others, and still feel as though I have more to give. And perhaps it is this level of affection that I desire for myself, even if I have a hard time showing this love, the feeling is immense when it is there. One day God will show me way His plan is for me to go. And hopefully, this time, I won't screw it up too much! I'm a work in progress, we all are. We must see ourselves for who we are, but also for who God has called us to be. I'm working on the calling part... where do you stand?

Isn't it amazing?

Life still continues to amaze me in how quickly things can change. As of Saturday  I was still in a mind frame that I needed to try everything I could to get my family back. But as of yesterday, things have changed. I've been informed of actions by others that have shown me that no matter how hard you try, you can't change who someone is. Only God is strong enough to do that. To think that I've wasted so much heartache and tears, to get back something that really has just been a cloth pulled over my eyes. I can only hope that I keep this in mind, and I continue to have the awareness of how my actions can affect not only me, but my daughter as well. I hope that she sees me as the strong woman God intended for me to be, versus the weak one that I feel like I am many times.

I can only pray that God protect my family, and show him the error of his ways.. show him where his heart needs to be.

Thats all for now. Off to enjoy the weather by cuddling, staying warm and having hot cocoa! :)

Just got confirmation that no matter what.... my daughters life for sure has been changed forever... as of now, she has a half-sibling. I can't help but feel terrible about the thoughts that come through my mind in the heat of an emotional spell that I can't seem to get through. Hoping and praying that this is some sort of cruel joke, that there's a place in my heart that is envious that it is not me who is having a baby with the man who is my husband (even though that is shortly to be changed), that there's a part of me who doesn't want to see this pregnancy come to term.... These are all feelings and thoughts that run through my head daily. And I'm ashamed that I let my head and heart go there. But I can't help but think of how this changes my daughter's life. How will this change her relationship with her father? As if being a child of divorce isn't cruel enough, now she will have at least one sibling to pair with it...even if this current relationship her father has doesn't make it through the long run, just as mine hasn't.

What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.

When it rains.....

Well it seems as though life is definitely pouring right now... as if dealing with my current relationship status of separated... and dealing with the loss of the love of my life... salt continues to be poured onto the would and ground deeper and deeper within. The addition of a new significant other on his side...and now possibly a baby...I don't know where this all ends... Where is the thoughts of our daughter together... of how she will see all of this when she's older...
And then to say that I'm still his best friend?? WHAT!?!?!? Where was our friendship when we were trying to work on our marriage? Where was it when I tried to tell him that we needed to change something because things weren't the same as they always were? I'm tired of holding on to hope that this will one day be restored... and he says he's tired of carrying what we had? Meaning what? The image of a life together still? Or of the arguments stemming from hurt of a broken heart after 7 years of total devotion?

Something's got to give. I can only hope that my friends understand my severity in leaning onto them during this time... It's taking so much to make myself continue to live a life worth living with my baby girl and not just curl up on the couch in such a total depression that nothing gets done.

Is any of this irrational? I certainly hope not. And I hope it doesn't take half the amount of time as the relationship to get over this hurt. I just hope that somehow, I can let God heal my heart and block any further pain from this whole situation.

Whoa boy...

well here i am again. this time with a heavy heart...

I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.