Life still continues to amaze me in how quickly things can change. As of Saturday I was still in a mind frame that I needed to try everything I could to get my family back. But as of yesterday, things have changed. I've been informed of actions by others that have shown me that no matter how hard you try, you can't change who someone is. Only God is strong enough to do that. To think that I've wasted so much heartache and tears, to get back something that really has just been a cloth pulled over my eyes. I can only hope that I keep this in mind, and I continue to have the awareness of how my actions can affect not only me, but my daughter as well. I hope that she sees me as the strong woman God intended for me to be, versus the weak one that I feel like I am many times.
I can only pray that God protect my family, and show him the error of his ways.. show him where his heart needs to be.
Thats all for now. Off to enjoy the weather by cuddling, staying warm and having hot cocoa! :)
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just got confirmation that no matter what.... my daughters life for sure has been changed forever... as of now, she has a half-sibling. I can't help but feel terrible about the thoughts that come through my mind in the heat of an emotional spell that I can't seem to get through. Hoping and praying that this is some sort of cruel joke, that there's a place in my heart that is envious that it is not me who is having a baby with the man who is my husband (even though that is shortly to be changed), that there's a part of me who doesn't want to see this pregnancy come to term.... These are all feelings and thoughts that run through my head daily. And I'm ashamed that I let my head and heart go there. But I can't help but think of how this changes my daughter's life. How will this change her relationship with her father? As if being a child of divorce isn't cruel enough, now she will have at least one sibling to pair with it...even if this current relationship her father has doesn't make it through the long run, just as mine hasn't.
What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.
What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
When it rains.....
Well it seems as though life is definitely pouring right now... as if dealing with my current relationship status of separated... and dealing with the loss of the love of my life... salt continues to be poured onto the would and ground deeper and deeper within. The addition of a new significant other on his side...and now possibly a baby...I don't know where this all ends... Where is the thoughts of our daughter together... of how she will see all of this when she's older...
And then to say that I'm still his best friend?? WHAT!?!?!? Where was our friendship when we were trying to work on our marriage? Where was it when I tried to tell him that we needed to change something because things weren't the same as they always were? I'm tired of holding on to hope that this will one day be restored... and he says he's tired of carrying what we had? Meaning what? The image of a life together still? Or of the arguments stemming from hurt of a broken heart after 7 years of total devotion?
Something's got to give. I can only hope that my friends understand my severity in leaning onto them during this time... It's taking so much to make myself continue to live a life worth living with my baby girl and not just curl up on the couch in such a total depression that nothing gets done.
Is any of this irrational? I certainly hope not. And I hope it doesn't take half the amount of time as the relationship to get over this hurt. I just hope that somehow, I can let God heal my heart and block any further pain from this whole situation.
And then to say that I'm still his best friend?? WHAT!?!?!? Where was our friendship when we were trying to work on our marriage? Where was it when I tried to tell him that we needed to change something because things weren't the same as they always were? I'm tired of holding on to hope that this will one day be restored... and he says he's tired of carrying what we had? Meaning what? The image of a life together still? Or of the arguments stemming from hurt of a broken heart after 7 years of total devotion?
Something's got to give. I can only hope that my friends understand my severity in leaning onto them during this time... It's taking so much to make myself continue to live a life worth living with my baby girl and not just curl up on the couch in such a total depression that nothing gets done.
Is any of this irrational? I certainly hope not. And I hope it doesn't take half the amount of time as the relationship to get over this hurt. I just hope that somehow, I can let God heal my heart and block any further pain from this whole situation.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Whoa boy...
well here i am again. this time with a heavy heart...
I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.
I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.
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