Whoa boy...

well here i am again. this time with a heavy heart...

I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.