Growing Pains??? I think so!!!

Sometimes it's really hard to sit, and be still. To listen to just the buzzings of everyday life and to not react to it. Recently, as I've done that, many times the frantic obsession with the stress in my life lifts...even if just for a little while. There are many days where I get so overwhelmed with stress and unhappiness and that I just want to scream. It's hard. But then I sit back and just sit still.... and it is alleviated for a while.

Lately, the Lord has been moving in my heart. Stretching my faith more so than I thought was ever possible. And ITS AWESOME!!!!! I'm starting to think that maybe my prayers and wishing and wanting of faith like those I saw at concerts and bible camp is starting to come over me. I absolutely love the fact that I'm now in a church setting where I WANT to come home and get MORE!!! I want to pick up my bible and see where the lessons came from, read different translations, and study the context. I love that my church is now relating scripture to my everyday life rather than having story time or just saying this is what they did 2000 years ago. It's opened my eyes to things happening around me that are obviously "God things" because there is no other explanation.

I love that I have my "spiritual accountability" partners who I know I can run to if I have questions, or if I'm completely overwhelmed with what the world is putting on me. They can listen to my rant and slowly bring me back to the Truth.

I have to say that I know I fall short. And it's these moments when I struggle the most. I'm a work in progress, and that is the lesson I need to learn. I'm always going to be a work in progress. It's just how I use that progress in the world to further the Kingdom.

**on a short note. I have to say I'm sad about a recent post about my friends. My ex feels as though he's lost his best friends from childhood due to our divorce. I'm upset because he doesn't see the fact that he dropped them well before the divorce.... he never chose them to be his support system when he needed them. I'm sad because I feel like I've taken friendships away, even though I know I've done nothing of the sort. I just needed to get it out**

I pray you all have a wonderful rest of the weekend and week ahead. I pray that God uses the most unusual circumstances in order to show that it really is Him that can work miracles.

Quick update...

So here is where I'm at....

        I am feeling this overwhelming sense of needing to get my life in order so that I can be ready to follow God at the drop of a hat... meaning.. I am fully relying on God to help my debt situation, my job situation and my living situation.
         I'm starting to de-clutter my life.. trying to get rid of things that have held me back.. whether it is holding on to a memory of the past, or something I thought I couldn't do without....now it's time to start rethinking these things. Objects are just that... they can be purchased again later, especially if they bring me no good use right now.
        I have felt pushed into a corner when it comes to my job situation so I'm praying that it changes, and quickly. There's only so much room to be had when it comes to the legal business that I need change. I have also felt the pinch of learning to *truly* forgive and move on. I still get upset by things certain people do to those that love me and to myself. it's hard to move past those feelings into what greater good we can be accomplishing without obstacles in the way... but still, pain is present nonetheless.
        I *LOVE* my new church. It has helped me grow and think about things in a way that I hadn't been pushed to do yet, and it's causing me to grow and really think about my relationship with Christ, rather than being complacent in what I'm doing.

So..... there's the update of the month LOL.

a little discomfort, and a lot of prayer

Hey there world... today's been a rough one. Started with not feeling well at work... just an upset stomach..not too much.. then BAM!! I noticed something wasn't done right on a case... I've literally been up in knots about it all day and it probably won't go away until tomorrow... I'm very unhappy in where I'm at. I feel like many things need to be different but don't know where to start to change it. I'm taking it one step at a time but it isn't going to be long before there's a change in the wind that I can't resist.

Today is also a tough day because Jackie's half sister will be born. The last few weeks have been tough because there hasn't really been a ton of communication going on. I feel like more and more we (mostly she) gets pushed to the side and almost forgotten. And I can't help but be furious about it. However, it's not my place to be. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be, and to show that little bundle of excitement and joy that I love her no matter what. That is the very least I hope she gets from me. I pray for my heart to be healed of the hurt, but it feels like the wound is reopened often. I pray I can get past my personal feelings and focus on what a beautiful gift I get to spend my time with. I'm sad because she's not been invited to share in other's happy times also.

I pray for God to show me how he can work through me for good. I'm feeling a calling coming to me, but am again unsure of how to go about it. Or how to start it....it's so different, and I need to make sure all my ducks are at least close to a line before I make large moves in our lives.

Thats all for now really. I hope you all have a great weekend.

ready.... set....

Today I took a big step in faith. I walked in faith on something I've been pondering on for awhile. I pray that I see it bless others as it's blessed me so far. I'm also hoping that it will help bring me closer to God. I feel like I'm ready for something more in my life. Whether its more time with friends and family... a new family of my own... or just this new relationship with god... I feel I'm ready for it.

I've been living in a prison of fear. You know.. that place where you know you need to move but you can't make your feet go...I would break down in tears, because I was so moved, yet I couldn't let myself get hurt again.. or fail jackie yet again. I was in a prison within my own heart. I've been doing better about reading the word, and also starting to trust god the way that I should, and that he's deserving of. I've been hurt, and I don't want to hurt again. I've got to allow god to break down the wall around my heart and show me what love looks like.. so that I can recognize it in myself, and in others. I feel like there's a swelling of affection to give.. and too many times before I've been willing to give it away so easily.. and that's been something that has hurt me. So as hard as it is to withhold what I feel I need to give away so freely, I think I might have to. Or figure out in me what the difference is between showing love to others, and receiving what I feel is love from others.

I feel I've been lacking in my life and there's this large urge to "do" something about it. I don't know what it'll look like... and to be honest I'm scared... I'm scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, of being let down... of failing... of messing it up again. But I can only try. I can only pray, and do what I feel god is telling me to do. I hope you all have a good weekend and let god bless you in his way, which is more than you can even imagine possible.

**sigh**

I hate it when I get these feelings of inadequacy just flooding into my heart. Today as I was getting Jackie ready for a birthday party, I just thought about how few clothes she has that fit her well, that aren't stained to all get out. It might have been that all the clothes i thought about her wearing were dirty... who knows... it just made me feel as though I'm not able to really provide for her the way I want to. I'm scared about this new job and us being able to make it on our own. I know that we can.... a budget proves that we can.. .but I just have to stick to it which is really hard to do.... even after having practice. Being able to get used to a new pay schedule, and seeing how little room there is to make a mistake makes it very daunting. I just hope I'm able to succeed. I also get scared of tithing and giving, because I'm afraid we won't have enough... but then how many have less than we do?? I'm i sooo poor that i have a cell phone, with internet on it at that??? or that I have a home I can run A/C and heat in?? I know there are people who are worse off than I, but it doesn't get rid of that nagging feeling.

I pray for peace for the moment, and for trusting in god's promise.

Someday...it'll be better

Some things in life never get easier.....especially when it deals with a broken heart

Where's my sunshine?

Feeling pretty down at the moment. So many things going on in such a short amount of time. Starting my new job full time tomorrow with all the anxiety and expectations that go with it....realizing the change from a job I've have for almost 7 years....not knowing where my future lies with certain people in my life...and feeling like there needs to be a plan made sometime in the next hour is causing there to be havoc in my soul. I want/need a fresh start in my life...and yes I've had that to a certain degree, but I feel that I need it from scratch. New location,  new job, just me and jackie. But there are so many things that would have to be done to do that....few of which wouldn't cause a complete uproar in my life as its already feeling like its topsey turvey. Life has a funny way of making you slow down when you want to race, and vice versa.