breathe in....breathe out

slap in the face today that perception is truly reality. i feel awful, and only jope that forgivness as well as acceptance are in my future

Sometimes you just need to get it all out...

Sometimes you just need to get it all out...

I haven't let hardly any of it out, except to those parties that are involved...and I still don't know where I stand.
I'm being pulled in two different directions while standing still. Or maybe I'm screaming to get out while being caged in and I can't tell anyone what is happening.. who knows.
I don't know what's changed, what's the same, or where I even want this to go. So much uncertainty can make a person crazy, really.
I'm scared. Of the unknown, of the future, of making the wrong decision. How will I know if I make the right choice?? By finding out 5 years later? Since when did my life become the crazy train from ozzy?
I don't know... and that may be just the issue. My life is falling apart at the seams and I don't even know where it began. Even with less stress in some areas, I think I've just increased it in others. Muddling through the crap is where I'll be for at least the next few weeks... and hopefully I'll come out on the other side with a fresh look on how things will be.

ugh

Feeling lots of stress lately, and the feelings of failure swinging back around. Just wish this would all stop, and I never have to feel this way again. Then I look at jackie, and just pray that she never feels this way about anything. Is there something i can do right?

Slowly changing

Within the first quarter of this year, I've lost 14 pounds. It seems unreal because I haven't really been doing anything. I've changed a little of what I've eaten, but I've also made a commitment to spend one of my days off with my daughter doing an activity like the zoo, aquarium, park, etc. It's awesome. I feel good, but I know I can do better. I'm hoping that soon I can get myself into gear and start hitting the gym again. I miss weightlifting, and knowing I'm getting stronger because the resistance I choose gets bigger and bigger. Please keep me in your prayers to gain strength (physically and emotionally), continue this journey I'm on, and to become better aquainted with the person I want to be. See you all on the flip side :)

New year, New you

This is the saying I've seen all month in December and I think it is God trying to send me a message... as in, "wake up stupid!! it is time for a new you!!!" SO, a new me it will be. I have signed up for a free week pass for a gym, have talked about it with Josh and so its a go as long as i like the gym. If i don't i'll get another week pass for a different gym and fish for gyms until i find one i like. I'm also going to try and be more creative, organized, frugal and healthy... A lot, I know, but I think it's high time there was some order in my life.

To be brutally honest, I'm scared. Scared of what comes when I reach a goal, if I have trouble achieving a goal, or just plain get mad!! I don't want to feel like I've failed....and I will need help getting motivated some days, so bear with me.. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year full of hope, joy and happiness. :)

Help wanted: Encouragement needed

Today, I'm trying to put my thoughts into words so that hopefully I can pray about it more when I'm done. I'm in need of encouragement, strength, knowledge and peace. I feel that many times I'm a failure at what I try to accomplish, many times because I tend to give up when the going gets tough. Right now, that "getting tough" is school and battling whether or not I should stay home with my baby. To stay home is my life dream, to teach her about the God that created her, and made her the perfect being that she is, to teach her, and to try and protect her from as much of the bad as possible. All parents do this to the best of their abilities, and don't get me wrong, I have nothing against those that work, and send their kids to school. I was raised that way and I think I've turned out okay. But, but, but.....

I feel as though there are so many distractions in public school that keep children for learning, its a wonder any kids get through it at all without additional teachings from their parents at home. We've recently gone through an income decrease because of Josh changing jobs to do what he is passionate about... EMS. But I'm also getting a raise every 3 months until next June/July because of my training program. These eventual raises will even it out, and eventually wind up making us more money. However, do we take money over passion? At what point does it become the love of money over the love of God?

I'm so close to finishing school, to be exact about one year away. But I'm fighting these feelings of "is it worth it" when I am fighting so hard to just be able to stay home with my baby. Do I get the degree to say I have the piece of paper? Do I stay home and teach my daughter, and eventually our other children if we have any? When does this passion for a career come? I've done nothing but jobs my entire working life, its been something to do to pay for the bills I've created for myself. When is it that I wake up in the morning looking forward to going to work because it's my passion? I'm so intrigued by so many things, and once I get involved to a certain extent, it's like all that interest just up and leaves.

It is in these moments that I begin feeling like I'm failing my family, my child, my school, employer and ever more, myself. Since when did this A-B average student become one that was lazy? Was school before just not that difficult? Were things really just handed to me? Is continuing our living situation taking advantage of what's been given?

What is my child learning when I'm not there? How to walk, speak words, or what shape goes into what hole. If I keep going to work unhappy, who is winning there? No one. My employer is losing an opportunity to have an employee who loves what they do, and I'm losing my opportunity to find myself in something I love.

When does this heartache end? From being away from my husband because of job schedules, to not knowing what the unknown holds... being scared is so difficult to work through. When do you say it's okay to go out in left field, and be okay with whatever happens?

I need God's hands on my heart, to lift me up, to take the steering wheel and to say " I've carried you through those hard times, and I'm still in control". Sometimes a map might be nice, but how else do you learn to navigate your way through besides going through the motions?

Hope this didn't bring anyone down too much, not like many read this thing anyway. But thanks for reading....

mind wont stop working.....

It's been too long again... Sorry... life happens.

I'm in a new endeavor of doing surveillance at my work. It has been an interesting change, one that I'm not sure I like yet... but it will help with school so I at least need to put up with it until then. Also, God has wrapped his hand around us and has blessed us with increased income through the position. This is good, since Josh is about to pursue his passion of being an EMT, and will most likely be taking a pay cut in order to do so... however I think that overall, it will end up being most worth it.

School is starting to get stressful again, as it is not just school I have to deal with but a small child as well. It is definitely taking its toll on my mind and body....and my sleep schedule.

And to family. Jacqueline is getting SOOO big!! I can't believe she will be one in a month!! where did the time go? It is almost as if I feel like I've missed out on it even though I've been here the whole time..Does it ever get easier?? Will I ever feel like time isn't escaping me? Oh well.... guess I should make the best of it and enjoy every minute I can. Josh's step-dad is about to have a child of his own so it should at least be interesting to see how the babies interact :)

I have also noticed God's calling in my life is getting ever clearer. I have felt moved to send a care package to a family that I don't even know, whose child has been diagnosed with SMA type 1. It is deadly, and it is unlikely that they will be able to celebrate the 2nd birthday of their child. I want them to know that God's promise is true, and that one day there IS a better life planned for that child, it may be in heaven and not on this world, but there is a day where this child will NOT suffer. I hate to imagine what these parents and family are going through, which I guess is why I feel the need to help. I think that I am trying to make my free will behave so that I can do God's will with my life. I can't keep having what may seem as bipolar tendencies (like a shopping spree when its definitely not in the budget) when I have more important things to do.. like get out of debt so that I can eventually give money away with so much joy I can't contain myself.

I think of myself as a giver. And there is so much that I wish to do, to give and I just don't know how to go about it. So if you have any ideas ;)

But I think that is all for now... time to find some good reads before bed :)