a little discomfort, and a lot of prayer

Hey there world... today's been a rough one. Started with not feeling well at work... just an upset stomach..not too much.. then BAM!! I noticed something wasn't done right on a case... I've literally been up in knots about it all day and it probably won't go away until tomorrow... I'm very unhappy in where I'm at. I feel like many things need to be different but don't know where to start to change it. I'm taking it one step at a time but it isn't going to be long before there's a change in the wind that I can't resist.

Today is also a tough day because Jackie's half sister will be born. The last few weeks have been tough because there hasn't really been a ton of communication going on. I feel like more and more we (mostly she) gets pushed to the side and almost forgotten. And I can't help but be furious about it. However, it's not my place to be. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be, and to show that little bundle of excitement and joy that I love her no matter what. That is the very least I hope she gets from me. I pray for my heart to be healed of the hurt, but it feels like the wound is reopened often. I pray I can get past my personal feelings and focus on what a beautiful gift I get to spend my time with. I'm sad because she's not been invited to share in other's happy times also.

I pray for God to show me how he can work through me for good. I'm feeling a calling coming to me, but am again unsure of how to go about it. Or how to start it....it's so different, and I need to make sure all my ducks are at least close to a line before I make large moves in our lives.

Thats all for now really. I hope you all have a great weekend.

ready.... set....

Today I took a big step in faith. I walked in faith on something I've been pondering on for awhile. I pray that I see it bless others as it's blessed me so far. I'm also hoping that it will help bring me closer to God. I feel like I'm ready for something more in my life. Whether its more time with friends and family... a new family of my own... or just this new relationship with god... I feel I'm ready for it.

I've been living in a prison of fear. You know.. that place where you know you need to move but you can't make your feet go...I would break down in tears, because I was so moved, yet I couldn't let myself get hurt again.. or fail jackie yet again. I was in a prison within my own heart. I've been doing better about reading the word, and also starting to trust god the way that I should, and that he's deserving of. I've been hurt, and I don't want to hurt again. I've got to allow god to break down the wall around my heart and show me what love looks like.. so that I can recognize it in myself, and in others. I feel like there's a swelling of affection to give.. and too many times before I've been willing to give it away so easily.. and that's been something that has hurt me. So as hard as it is to withhold what I feel I need to give away so freely, I think I might have to. Or figure out in me what the difference is between showing love to others, and receiving what I feel is love from others.

I feel I've been lacking in my life and there's this large urge to "do" something about it. I don't know what it'll look like... and to be honest I'm scared... I'm scared of being hurt, of being disappointed, of being let down... of failing... of messing it up again. But I can only try. I can only pray, and do what I feel god is telling me to do. I hope you all have a good weekend and let god bless you in his way, which is more than you can even imagine possible.

**sigh**

I hate it when I get these feelings of inadequacy just flooding into my heart. Today as I was getting Jackie ready for a birthday party, I just thought about how few clothes she has that fit her well, that aren't stained to all get out. It might have been that all the clothes i thought about her wearing were dirty... who knows... it just made me feel as though I'm not able to really provide for her the way I want to. I'm scared about this new job and us being able to make it on our own. I know that we can.... a budget proves that we can.. .but I just have to stick to it which is really hard to do.... even after having practice. Being able to get used to a new pay schedule, and seeing how little room there is to make a mistake makes it very daunting. I just hope I'm able to succeed. I also get scared of tithing and giving, because I'm afraid we won't have enough... but then how many have less than we do?? I'm i sooo poor that i have a cell phone, with internet on it at that??? or that I have a home I can run A/C and heat in?? I know there are people who are worse off than I, but it doesn't get rid of that nagging feeling.

I pray for peace for the moment, and for trusting in god's promise.

Someday...it'll be better

Some things in life never get easier.....especially when it deals with a broken heart

Where's my sunshine?

Feeling pretty down at the moment. So many things going on in such a short amount of time. Starting my new job full time tomorrow with all the anxiety and expectations that go with it....realizing the change from a job I've have for almost 7 years....not knowing where my future lies with certain people in my life...and feeling like there needs to be a plan made sometime in the next hour is causing there to be havoc in my soul. I want/need a fresh start in my life...and yes I've had that to a certain degree, but I feel that I need it from scratch. New location,  new job, just me and jackie. But there are so many things that would have to be done to do that....few of which wouldn't cause a complete uproar in my life as its already feeling like its topsey turvey. Life has a funny way of making you slow down when you want to race, and vice versa. 

Tis the season for change.

This past month has been a difficult one. With the 1-year anniversary of my grandma finding out she was sick, to dealing with stresses of being a parent, and new job offers, there was a lot on my mind...ALL. THE. TIME. But now, things are starting to cozy into the great routine of fall... weather is changing, pumpkin spice flavors are now EVERYWHERE :) and the weather is more palatable than that of a few months ago. I've been able to make great strides in my goal towards being debt free. I received my portion from the sale of my grandma's house. I was able to immediately pay off 2 credit cards and 4 out of 8 student loans. I'm also able to make sure I have a nice cushion for a rainy day/emergency. But I'm also able to do a few things for myself. Like get a new wardrobe that fits me, instead of falling off... and get a tattoo to symbolize that I will always remember my past and where I come from, but I'm a new person emerging from any pain, tears, and hurt that have happened. I really can't wait until I get to see the concept of it. I've also started a new job as a paralegal. It's definitely something different that I've never done before. I don't think it's especially hard, it's just new... and coming into the process without really knowing what it is can be a little overwhelming sometimes. But I look forward to this step in my journey forward. Jackie is doing so well. Seeing her grow everyday truly is a blessing for me. She's started doing "school" work with learning numbers and letters, and she does so well. I love seeing her learn. I only hope I can see more of it in the near future. Overall, things are good. I'm starting to trust more in where the Lord is leading me, which has always been an area of struggle for me. And I am trying to worry less about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of it's own.

Just one of them days.

This is just one of "them days" where I really don't feel good enough for anyone, or anything, that life is going in the wrong direction and I'm standing idly by watching as it crumbles. Yet there are so many good things that are happening, that I feel I'm in the middle of a crazy intersection, not knowing yet which flow of traffic to follow. I have great prospects in life that are really setting me up to do well. But I feel that I'm not good enough to truly make someone so happy that they fall head over heels, country song corny in love with someone like me. This wishy-washy, flow of emotions is just exhausting sometimes. At one end I feel I need more than just knowing that someone is there... I truly need more than that. But why isn't that good enough? What am I doing to make it better? to be honest, not much; so it seems at least. Then i wonder if i should wait this hard part out, and see where it goes, or cut losses and see what else I can do. Only time will tell.