Well it seems as though life is definitely pouring right now... as if dealing with my current relationship status of separated... and dealing with the loss of the love of my life... salt continues to be poured onto the would and ground deeper and deeper within. The addition of a new significant other on his side...and now possibly a baby...I don't know where this all ends... Where is the thoughts of our daughter together... of how she will see all of this when she's older...
And then to say that I'm still his best friend?? WHAT!?!?!? Where was our friendship when we were trying to work on our marriage? Where was it when I tried to tell him that we needed to change something because things weren't the same as they always were? I'm tired of holding on to hope that this will one day be restored... and he says he's tired of carrying what we had? Meaning what? The image of a life together still? Or of the arguments stemming from hurt of a broken heart after 7 years of total devotion?
Something's got to give. I can only hope that my friends understand my severity in leaning onto them during this time... It's taking so much to make myself continue to live a life worth living with my baby girl and not just curl up on the couch in such a total depression that nothing gets done.
Is any of this irrational? I certainly hope not. And I hope it doesn't take half the amount of time as the relationship to get over this hurt. I just hope that somehow, I can let God heal my heart and block any further pain from this whole situation.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Whoa boy...
well here i am again. this time with a heavy heart...
I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.
I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.
Friday, November 16, 2012
breathe in....breathe out
slap in the face today that perception is truly reality. i feel awful, and only jope that forgivness as well as acceptance are in my future
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Sometimes you just need to get it all out...
Sometimes you just need to get it all out...
I haven't let hardly any of it out, except to those parties that are involved...and I still don't know where I stand.
I'm being pulled in two different directions while standing still. Or maybe I'm screaming to get out while being caged in and I can't tell anyone what is happening.. who knows.
I don't know what's changed, what's the same, or where I even want this to go. So much uncertainty can make a person crazy, really.
I'm scared. Of the unknown, of the future, of making the wrong decision. How will I know if I make the right choice?? By finding out 5 years later? Since when did my life become the crazy train from ozzy?
I don't know... and that may be just the issue. My life is falling apart at the seams and I don't even know where it began. Even with less stress in some areas, I think I've just increased it in others. Muddling through the crap is where I'll be for at least the next few weeks... and hopefully I'll come out on the other side with a fresh look on how things will be.
I haven't let hardly any of it out, except to those parties that are involved...and I still don't know where I stand.
I'm being pulled in two different directions while standing still. Or maybe I'm screaming to get out while being caged in and I can't tell anyone what is happening.. who knows.
I don't know what's changed, what's the same, or where I even want this to go. So much uncertainty can make a person crazy, really.
I'm scared. Of the unknown, of the future, of making the wrong decision. How will I know if I make the right choice?? By finding out 5 years later? Since when did my life become the crazy train from ozzy?
I don't know... and that may be just the issue. My life is falling apart at the seams and I don't even know where it began. Even with less stress in some areas, I think I've just increased it in others. Muddling through the crap is where I'll be for at least the next few weeks... and hopefully I'll come out on the other side with a fresh look on how things will be.
Monday, May 7, 2012
ugh
Feeling lots of stress lately, and the feelings of failure swinging back around. Just wish this would all stop, and I never have to feel this way again. Then I look at jackie, and just pray that she never feels this way about anything. Is there something i can do right?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Slowly changing
Within the first quarter of this year, I've lost 14 pounds. It seems unreal because I haven't really been doing anything. I've changed a little of what I've eaten, but I've also made a commitment to spend one of my days off with my daughter doing an activity like the zoo, aquarium, park, etc. It's awesome. I feel good, but I know I can do better. I'm hoping that soon I can get myself into gear and start hitting the gym again. I miss weightlifting, and knowing I'm getting stronger because the resistance I choose gets bigger and bigger. Please keep me in your prayers to gain strength (physically and emotionally), continue this journey I'm on, and to become better aquainted with the person I want to be. See you all on the flip side :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
New year, New you
This is the saying I've seen all month in December and I think it is God trying to send me a message... as in, "wake up stupid!! it is time for a new you!!!" SO, a new me it will be. I have signed up for a free week pass for a gym, have talked about it with Josh and so its a go as long as i like the gym. If i don't i'll get another week pass for a different gym and fish for gyms until i find one i like. I'm also going to try and be more creative, organized, frugal and healthy... A lot, I know, but I think it's high time there was some order in my life.
To be brutally honest, I'm scared. Scared of what comes when I reach a goal, if I have trouble achieving a goal, or just plain get mad!! I don't want to feel like I've failed....and I will need help getting motivated some days, so bear with me.. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year full of hope, joy and happiness. :)
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