Lately I feel like I'm seeing how fake people really are... how much of a fascade can people put on EVERY DAY and still feel like they are being themselves? I wish people would just be honest, upfront, and just say what they feel, instead of feeling like everyone needs to be politically correct about everything... in the end it just hurts people.
In other news,things are starting to gear up for summer. I've decided to run a 1/2 marathon in October... I start training Monday. I'm excited to see if I can finish this goal, to say that I've done something just for me. It's been awhile since I've ran, let along anything of measurable distance, but I'm excited to get on track with something like this. I'm trying to keep Jackie and I busy with trips to the park, and fun things to do outside. I want her to grow up knowing the fun we had versus the stress we had. I love that little girl to pieces!!
That's about all there is for today... I'll update once I finish that first training run!! HAHA
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Trying to find myself
It's been awhile now... several things have come to pass. The old house is on the market, ready to sell, and we just had our estate sale, so all the excess is gone. I still have a few items to pick up, just need to get up motivation to clean out my car enough!!! HAHA! I find myself still having trouble with budgeting..especially on things such as food and gas... I'm so used to that being such a big part of my life... it's hard to change mentality towards it....especially not only going healthier, but only feeding half the # of people. But I'm learning... and hopefully quickly it'll become more habit, and easier to deal with.
I'm also struggling to find myself... and who I am in Christ. Finding the balance between needing the relationships with my friends, the relationship I have with Christ, which needs to grow, and how to deal with the amount of affection I feel for people in general. It's almost like I have a habit...an addiction...to loving and helping people. Monetarily, this isn't happening anymore, simply because I can't bring myself to trust that it'll be ok, when the budget shows $3 at the end of the month, without tithing... But also to show people how I love them.. how I want so badly to help... and all I can do is sit. Searching for the open door is difficult, but I hope I find it soon.
That's really all there is right now. With spring/summer here, it's been nice to get out with jackie, and have her play outside. Hope we get to do it more often. Next on the calendar is self defense class and a trip to indiana to see family. I can't wait. :)
I'm also struggling to find myself... and who I am in Christ. Finding the balance between needing the relationships with my friends, the relationship I have with Christ, which needs to grow, and how to deal with the amount of affection I feel for people in general. It's almost like I have a habit...an addiction...to loving and helping people. Monetarily, this isn't happening anymore, simply because I can't bring myself to trust that it'll be ok, when the budget shows $3 at the end of the month, without tithing... But also to show people how I love them.. how I want so badly to help... and all I can do is sit. Searching for the open door is difficult, but I hope I find it soon.
That's really all there is right now. With spring/summer here, it's been nice to get out with jackie, and have her play outside. Hope we get to do it more often. Next on the calendar is self defense class and a trip to indiana to see family. I can't wait. :)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I get knocked down... but I get up again.....
Everything in this life worth having, is worth the struggle to obtain it.
We hear this all to often, especially when it comes to having success in the business place. But, don't you think that this is also true in our personal lives? When it comes to our relationships with Christ, I can't tell you how often I've been knocked down. It seems as though as I gain one step forward, there's always something pushing it's way at me to knock me back... but I keep the knowlege that there's something worth fighting for. I may not know what it is, or understand it, but there is something there. God has a purpose for us all, and I'm sure if I knew what was supposed to happen, I wouldn't do it due to fear or simply not understanding God's will in my life. But, the fight is still there to gain more knowledge about my God, about the one who so graciously gave his life before I was ever thought of. There's a constant struggle in the 18'' between my head and my heart. Very rarely it seems we are on the same page, and this is where the most constant struggle seems to be. I think once I'm able to set my head and my heart on the same path, it will be easier to to fight against those forces trying to push me back.
So for now, it comes down to remembering that God has a plan for all of us (Jer. 29:11), and that we would surely mess it up if we knew all that was planned for our lives. It comes to down to trust, which I admittingly have trouble with. I hope I can count on those close to me to help me trust in God's will so that I might be used so that His glory is spread throughout the world.
We hear this all to often, especially when it comes to having success in the business place. But, don't you think that this is also true in our personal lives? When it comes to our relationships with Christ, I can't tell you how often I've been knocked down. It seems as though as I gain one step forward, there's always something pushing it's way at me to knock me back... but I keep the knowlege that there's something worth fighting for. I may not know what it is, or understand it, but there is something there. God has a purpose for us all, and I'm sure if I knew what was supposed to happen, I wouldn't do it due to fear or simply not understanding God's will in my life. But, the fight is still there to gain more knowledge about my God, about the one who so graciously gave his life before I was ever thought of. There's a constant struggle in the 18'' between my head and my heart. Very rarely it seems we are on the same page, and this is where the most constant struggle seems to be. I think once I'm able to set my head and my heart on the same path, it will be easier to to fight against those forces trying to push me back.
So for now, it comes down to remembering that God has a plan for all of us (Jer. 29:11), and that we would surely mess it up if we knew all that was planned for our lives. It comes to down to trust, which I admittingly have trouble with. I hope I can count on those close to me to help me trust in God's will so that I might be used so that His glory is spread throughout the world.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Failures, Cycles, and other ramblings.
Everything seems to happen in cycles...very few things in life are truly linear. This can make change very difficult, and more like a spiral than a jump from one path to another.
I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.
I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.
I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.
I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.
I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.
I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
It's different now... but it will be so much better!
To be honest....things are, well, different.
If you haven't guessed, my husband of almost 4 years and I have decided to split, and no longer work on our marriage. Two weeks after this decision was made, we was in a relationship with another woman, who is now pregnant with his child, due 2 weeks before Jackie's birthday. This information was so hard to comprehend, and swallow when first told that I think I was in such a dark place, I hardly remember it. It was very hard for me not to blame God for my position... but more so, not to continue to blame myself for failures, and being in the position I was in. Then....something happened!!
I went to our usual Wednesday night service, and God was DEFINITELY moving! It wasn't so much the message but the music that God used that day to remind me of the love that He has for all of us. The devotionals that I had picked back up were so uplifting, and reminded me that even in our failures, even in our stumbling, God is there! It wasn't until that point that I truly felt peace in my heart. I thought I had overcome other issues of our relationship being over, but in reality, I wasn't. But after that day... God gave my heart and my mind peace. Even to this day, when issues arise, It still hurts... so much of my life was invested in the relationship we had... but then, a wave of peace that is so much bigger swells up, and I'm at rest again.
And now, here I am again... in a place where my soul is stirring... God is up to something... I can almost feel it. The only thing I get disappointed about is the fact I don't know the direction. I get the feeling that there is SO MUCH MORE!! But where do I start digging to get there? His Word is touching me more and more every time I read it which is an amazing feeling to have. Then I feel like there needs to be work done... then my mind puts up a big stop sign saying... "WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Works do not get you into heaven you silly girl!"
The message yesterday was about works... do we still try to gain "heaven points" so we can earn positions as "God's Children". It reminded me that I can't focus on what I can and can't do in the church because that isn't what it's about... It's about spreading God's love to the WORLD and showing those that never knew him the incredible, undeserving love and grace He offers.
If I had my way, I'd be doing mission work somewhere in a far corner of the globe, surrounded by children and elderly of some unknown tribe... hearing stories, and sharing how God loves them so. How will I get there? I don't have that down just yet. But my first goal is to show Jackie the one true love that she will always, always have in her life... The love of her God! Even a parent's love for their child cannot engulf the love that is displayed between God and His Children! The forgiveness, grace, and mercy that we all get everyday is incomparable in our finite view of the world. I can only hope that one day, Jackie sees me as a Woman of God, A strong mother, and a caring heart.
There's much love in this heart of mine to be given. I don't know why, but it seems as though I could give my whole life to others, and still feel as though I have more to give. And perhaps it is this level of affection that I desire for myself, even if I have a hard time showing this love, the feeling is immense when it is there. One day God will show me way His plan is for me to go. And hopefully, this time, I won't screw it up too much! I'm a work in progress, we all are. We must see ourselves for who we are, but also for who God has called us to be. I'm working on the calling part... where do you stand?
If you haven't guessed, my husband of almost 4 years and I have decided to split, and no longer work on our marriage. Two weeks after this decision was made, we was in a relationship with another woman, who is now pregnant with his child, due 2 weeks before Jackie's birthday. This information was so hard to comprehend, and swallow when first told that I think I was in such a dark place, I hardly remember it. It was very hard for me not to blame God for my position... but more so, not to continue to blame myself for failures, and being in the position I was in. Then....something happened!!
I went to our usual Wednesday night service, and God was DEFINITELY moving! It wasn't so much the message but the music that God used that day to remind me of the love that He has for all of us. The devotionals that I had picked back up were so uplifting, and reminded me that even in our failures, even in our stumbling, God is there! It wasn't until that point that I truly felt peace in my heart. I thought I had overcome other issues of our relationship being over, but in reality, I wasn't. But after that day... God gave my heart and my mind peace. Even to this day, when issues arise, It still hurts... so much of my life was invested in the relationship we had... but then, a wave of peace that is so much bigger swells up, and I'm at rest again.
And now, here I am again... in a place where my soul is stirring... God is up to something... I can almost feel it. The only thing I get disappointed about is the fact I don't know the direction. I get the feeling that there is SO MUCH MORE!! But where do I start digging to get there? His Word is touching me more and more every time I read it which is an amazing feeling to have. Then I feel like there needs to be work done... then my mind puts up a big stop sign saying... "WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Works do not get you into heaven you silly girl!"
The message yesterday was about works... do we still try to gain "heaven points" so we can earn positions as "God's Children". It reminded me that I can't focus on what I can and can't do in the church because that isn't what it's about... It's about spreading God's love to the WORLD and showing those that never knew him the incredible, undeserving love and grace He offers.
If I had my way, I'd be doing mission work somewhere in a far corner of the globe, surrounded by children and elderly of some unknown tribe... hearing stories, and sharing how God loves them so. How will I get there? I don't have that down just yet. But my first goal is to show Jackie the one true love that she will always, always have in her life... The love of her God! Even a parent's love for their child cannot engulf the love that is displayed between God and His Children! The forgiveness, grace, and mercy that we all get everyday is incomparable in our finite view of the world. I can only hope that one day, Jackie sees me as a Woman of God, A strong mother, and a caring heart.
There's much love in this heart of mine to be given. I don't know why, but it seems as though I could give my whole life to others, and still feel as though I have more to give. And perhaps it is this level of affection that I desire for myself, even if I have a hard time showing this love, the feeling is immense when it is there. One day God will show me way His plan is for me to go. And hopefully, this time, I won't screw it up too much! I'm a work in progress, we all are. We must see ourselves for who we are, but also for who God has called us to be. I'm working on the calling part... where do you stand?
Monday, March 25, 2013
Isn't it amazing?
Life still continues to amaze me in how quickly things can change. As of Saturday I was still in a mind frame that I needed to try everything I could to get my family back. But as of yesterday, things have changed. I've been informed of actions by others that have shown me that no matter how hard you try, you can't change who someone is. Only God is strong enough to do that. To think that I've wasted so much heartache and tears, to get back something that really has just been a cloth pulled over my eyes. I can only hope that I keep this in mind, and I continue to have the awareness of how my actions can affect not only me, but my daughter as well. I hope that she sees me as the strong woman God intended for me to be, versus the weak one that I feel like I am many times.
I can only pray that God protect my family, and show him the error of his ways.. show him where his heart needs to be.
Thats all for now. Off to enjoy the weather by cuddling, staying warm and having hot cocoa! :)
I can only pray that God protect my family, and show him the error of his ways.. show him where his heart needs to be.
Thats all for now. Off to enjoy the weather by cuddling, staying warm and having hot cocoa! :)
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just got confirmation that no matter what.... my daughters life for sure has been changed forever... as of now, she has a half-sibling. I can't help but feel terrible about the thoughts that come through my mind in the heat of an emotional spell that I can't seem to get through. Hoping and praying that this is some sort of cruel joke, that there's a place in my heart that is envious that it is not me who is having a baby with the man who is my husband (even though that is shortly to be changed), that there's a part of me who doesn't want to see this pregnancy come to term.... These are all feelings and thoughts that run through my head daily. And I'm ashamed that I let my head and heart go there. But I can't help but think of how this changes my daughter's life. How will this change her relationship with her father? As if being a child of divorce isn't cruel enough, now she will have at least one sibling to pair with it...even if this current relationship her father has doesn't make it through the long run, just as mine hasn't.
What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.
What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.
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