Everything in this life worth having, is worth the struggle to obtain it.
We hear this all to often, especially when it comes to having success in the business place. But, don't you think that this is also true in our personal lives? When it comes to our relationships with Christ, I can't tell you how often I've been knocked down. It seems as though as I gain one step forward, there's always something pushing it's way at me to knock me back... but I keep the knowlege that there's something worth fighting for. I may not know what it is, or understand it, but there is something there. God has a purpose for us all, and I'm sure if I knew what was supposed to happen, I wouldn't do it due to fear or simply not understanding God's will in my life. But, the fight is still there to gain more knowledge about my God, about the one who so graciously gave his life before I was ever thought of. There's a constant struggle in the 18'' between my head and my heart. Very rarely it seems we are on the same page, and this is where the most constant struggle seems to be. I think once I'm able to set my head and my heart on the same path, it will be easier to to fight against those forces trying to push me back.
So for now, it comes down to remembering that God has a plan for all of us (Jer. 29:11), and that we would surely mess it up if we knew all that was planned for our lives. It comes to down to trust, which I admittingly have trouble with. I hope I can count on those close to me to help me trust in God's will so that I might be used so that His glory is spread throughout the world.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Failures, Cycles, and other ramblings.
Everything seems to happen in cycles...very few things in life are truly linear. This can make change very difficult, and more like a spiral than a jump from one path to another.
I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.
I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.
I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.
I noticed today how very empty I feel sometimes. Feeling as though because the major relationship in my life has been destroyed, that I wonder sometimes how real am I in my other relationships, with everybody. Obviously I'm not talking about some deep secret I have that no one knows about, but, more so the feeling of am I portraying who I really am? Even to my closest friends? Do they know my struggles enough to be able to be there to help hold me? Am I a good enough friend to be there for them when they need me? I hope the answer is yes to either question. But I know for some the answer is no.
I struggle with being the woman I know God has made me to be. I struggle to be in the Word... and I struggle to show Jackie who God is and how to have a relationship with him. It's almost like I expect her to be like the song; being a 4-year old who wants to do everything I do, and talks to God like she's talking to a friend, by watching how I do things. If I went by how things are now, that will not be the case. But it is up to me to change that.
I need friends to stand by me and guide me along the way. However, I think that I tend to lean too much on their guidance, especially when it comes to faith. I'm afraid of failure... of showing everyone else how to believe while failing to do it right myself. Failure is something that I think plagues everyone in their life, at different times. It's how we overcome it to get past it. I hope that someday I don't fear failure anymore, but I more look forward to the journey I take to get to my ultimate destination.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
It's different now... but it will be so much better!
To be honest....things are, well, different.
If you haven't guessed, my husband of almost 4 years and I have decided to split, and no longer work on our marriage. Two weeks after this decision was made, we was in a relationship with another woman, who is now pregnant with his child, due 2 weeks before Jackie's birthday. This information was so hard to comprehend, and swallow when first told that I think I was in such a dark place, I hardly remember it. It was very hard for me not to blame God for my position... but more so, not to continue to blame myself for failures, and being in the position I was in. Then....something happened!!
I went to our usual Wednesday night service, and God was DEFINITELY moving! It wasn't so much the message but the music that God used that day to remind me of the love that He has for all of us. The devotionals that I had picked back up were so uplifting, and reminded me that even in our failures, even in our stumbling, God is there! It wasn't until that point that I truly felt peace in my heart. I thought I had overcome other issues of our relationship being over, but in reality, I wasn't. But after that day... God gave my heart and my mind peace. Even to this day, when issues arise, It still hurts... so much of my life was invested in the relationship we had... but then, a wave of peace that is so much bigger swells up, and I'm at rest again.
And now, here I am again... in a place where my soul is stirring... God is up to something... I can almost feel it. The only thing I get disappointed about is the fact I don't know the direction. I get the feeling that there is SO MUCH MORE!! But where do I start digging to get there? His Word is touching me more and more every time I read it which is an amazing feeling to have. Then I feel like there needs to be work done... then my mind puts up a big stop sign saying... "WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Works do not get you into heaven you silly girl!"
The message yesterday was about works... do we still try to gain "heaven points" so we can earn positions as "God's Children". It reminded me that I can't focus on what I can and can't do in the church because that isn't what it's about... It's about spreading God's love to the WORLD and showing those that never knew him the incredible, undeserving love and grace He offers.
If I had my way, I'd be doing mission work somewhere in a far corner of the globe, surrounded by children and elderly of some unknown tribe... hearing stories, and sharing how God loves them so. How will I get there? I don't have that down just yet. But my first goal is to show Jackie the one true love that she will always, always have in her life... The love of her God! Even a parent's love for their child cannot engulf the love that is displayed between God and His Children! The forgiveness, grace, and mercy that we all get everyday is incomparable in our finite view of the world. I can only hope that one day, Jackie sees me as a Woman of God, A strong mother, and a caring heart.
There's much love in this heart of mine to be given. I don't know why, but it seems as though I could give my whole life to others, and still feel as though I have more to give. And perhaps it is this level of affection that I desire for myself, even if I have a hard time showing this love, the feeling is immense when it is there. One day God will show me way His plan is for me to go. And hopefully, this time, I won't screw it up too much! I'm a work in progress, we all are. We must see ourselves for who we are, but also for who God has called us to be. I'm working on the calling part... where do you stand?
If you haven't guessed, my husband of almost 4 years and I have decided to split, and no longer work on our marriage. Two weeks after this decision was made, we was in a relationship with another woman, who is now pregnant with his child, due 2 weeks before Jackie's birthday. This information was so hard to comprehend, and swallow when first told that I think I was in such a dark place, I hardly remember it. It was very hard for me not to blame God for my position... but more so, not to continue to blame myself for failures, and being in the position I was in. Then....something happened!!
I went to our usual Wednesday night service, and God was DEFINITELY moving! It wasn't so much the message but the music that God used that day to remind me of the love that He has for all of us. The devotionals that I had picked back up were so uplifting, and reminded me that even in our failures, even in our stumbling, God is there! It wasn't until that point that I truly felt peace in my heart. I thought I had overcome other issues of our relationship being over, but in reality, I wasn't. But after that day... God gave my heart and my mind peace. Even to this day, when issues arise, It still hurts... so much of my life was invested in the relationship we had... but then, a wave of peace that is so much bigger swells up, and I'm at rest again.
And now, here I am again... in a place where my soul is stirring... God is up to something... I can almost feel it. The only thing I get disappointed about is the fact I don't know the direction. I get the feeling that there is SO MUCH MORE!! But where do I start digging to get there? His Word is touching me more and more every time I read it which is an amazing feeling to have. Then I feel like there needs to be work done... then my mind puts up a big stop sign saying... "WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Works do not get you into heaven you silly girl!"
The message yesterday was about works... do we still try to gain "heaven points" so we can earn positions as "God's Children". It reminded me that I can't focus on what I can and can't do in the church because that isn't what it's about... It's about spreading God's love to the WORLD and showing those that never knew him the incredible, undeserving love and grace He offers.
If I had my way, I'd be doing mission work somewhere in a far corner of the globe, surrounded by children and elderly of some unknown tribe... hearing stories, and sharing how God loves them so. How will I get there? I don't have that down just yet. But my first goal is to show Jackie the one true love that she will always, always have in her life... The love of her God! Even a parent's love for their child cannot engulf the love that is displayed between God and His Children! The forgiveness, grace, and mercy that we all get everyday is incomparable in our finite view of the world. I can only hope that one day, Jackie sees me as a Woman of God, A strong mother, and a caring heart.
There's much love in this heart of mine to be given. I don't know why, but it seems as though I could give my whole life to others, and still feel as though I have more to give. And perhaps it is this level of affection that I desire for myself, even if I have a hard time showing this love, the feeling is immense when it is there. One day God will show me way His plan is for me to go. And hopefully, this time, I won't screw it up too much! I'm a work in progress, we all are. We must see ourselves for who we are, but also for who God has called us to be. I'm working on the calling part... where do you stand?
Monday, March 25, 2013
Isn't it amazing?
Life still continues to amaze me in how quickly things can change. As of Saturday I was still in a mind frame that I needed to try everything I could to get my family back. But as of yesterday, things have changed. I've been informed of actions by others that have shown me that no matter how hard you try, you can't change who someone is. Only God is strong enough to do that. To think that I've wasted so much heartache and tears, to get back something that really has just been a cloth pulled over my eyes. I can only hope that I keep this in mind, and I continue to have the awareness of how my actions can affect not only me, but my daughter as well. I hope that she sees me as the strong woman God intended for me to be, versus the weak one that I feel like I am many times.
I can only pray that God protect my family, and show him the error of his ways.. show him where his heart needs to be.
Thats all for now. Off to enjoy the weather by cuddling, staying warm and having hot cocoa! :)
I can only pray that God protect my family, and show him the error of his ways.. show him where his heart needs to be.
Thats all for now. Off to enjoy the weather by cuddling, staying warm and having hot cocoa! :)
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just got confirmation that no matter what.... my daughters life for sure has been changed forever... as of now, she has a half-sibling. I can't help but feel terrible about the thoughts that come through my mind in the heat of an emotional spell that I can't seem to get through. Hoping and praying that this is some sort of cruel joke, that there's a place in my heart that is envious that it is not me who is having a baby with the man who is my husband (even though that is shortly to be changed), that there's a part of me who doesn't want to see this pregnancy come to term.... These are all feelings and thoughts that run through my head daily. And I'm ashamed that I let my head and heart go there. But I can't help but think of how this changes my daughter's life. How will this change her relationship with her father? As if being a child of divorce isn't cruel enough, now she will have at least one sibling to pair with it...even if this current relationship her father has doesn't make it through the long run, just as mine hasn't.
What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.
What do I say to the woman who is currently with my spouse that I'm divorcing? How do I keep cordial with the person who has the very thing that I don't want to let go? Even though I know it's almost impossible to change the situation we're in, there's always a part of my heart that will crave the family that was there once. That will be hurt to see another in my place. I can only hope for myself and for my daughter that we are able to find a person who is loving, passionate and caring enough to both of us to give us the life we deserve; that we desire to have. I hope that person is out there somewhere.... waiting patiently to be found.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
When it rains.....
Well it seems as though life is definitely pouring right now... as if dealing with my current relationship status of separated... and dealing with the loss of the love of my life... salt continues to be poured onto the would and ground deeper and deeper within. The addition of a new significant other on his side...and now possibly a baby...I don't know where this all ends... Where is the thoughts of our daughter together... of how she will see all of this when she's older...
And then to say that I'm still his best friend?? WHAT!?!?!? Where was our friendship when we were trying to work on our marriage? Where was it when I tried to tell him that we needed to change something because things weren't the same as they always were? I'm tired of holding on to hope that this will one day be restored... and he says he's tired of carrying what we had? Meaning what? The image of a life together still? Or of the arguments stemming from hurt of a broken heart after 7 years of total devotion?
Something's got to give. I can only hope that my friends understand my severity in leaning onto them during this time... It's taking so much to make myself continue to live a life worth living with my baby girl and not just curl up on the couch in such a total depression that nothing gets done.
Is any of this irrational? I certainly hope not. And I hope it doesn't take half the amount of time as the relationship to get over this hurt. I just hope that somehow, I can let God heal my heart and block any further pain from this whole situation.
And then to say that I'm still his best friend?? WHAT!?!?!? Where was our friendship when we were trying to work on our marriage? Where was it when I tried to tell him that we needed to change something because things weren't the same as they always were? I'm tired of holding on to hope that this will one day be restored... and he says he's tired of carrying what we had? Meaning what? The image of a life together still? Or of the arguments stemming from hurt of a broken heart after 7 years of total devotion?
Something's got to give. I can only hope that my friends understand my severity in leaning onto them during this time... It's taking so much to make myself continue to live a life worth living with my baby girl and not just curl up on the couch in such a total depression that nothing gets done.
Is any of this irrational? I certainly hope not. And I hope it doesn't take half the amount of time as the relationship to get over this hurt. I just hope that somehow, I can let God heal my heart and block any further pain from this whole situation.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Whoa boy...
well here i am again. this time with a heavy heart...
I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.
I don't know why I thought it would be different than it is. I thought I was over the hurt, the pain, the mishaps in the past 7 years. But, I guess deep down, I was still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that things would turn around. That something would happen to either of us to say this isn't what either of us want, and something could be changed. However, that is not the case. It hurts so much to say that I am now "separated", that eventually I will be "divorced" and I will be continuing in the role of a single mother. That's not to say that he doesn't ever see our child... he still watches her everyday while I'm at work. But in the end, it is I who bears the responsibility of raising our child.
After thinking over the last several months in my head... it makes me wonder if things were ever meant to be reconciled...if we ever really wanted it, if we got married for the right reasons, if the love that we shared was even real, if the love I knew was even real. It was exposed during a counsel session that it was barely 6 months into our relationship that he felt our relationship change... it makes me feel as though the whole rest of our marriage was a fake; which hurts because that is when we conceived our beautiful daughter.
I don't like this feeling of being alone. I feel like I've sacrificed much to be able to give others what they dreamed of. I have few friends, but the ones I have are amazing... but in the end I can't go running to everyone else to share my hurt, they have their own lives to be concerned with. But I think what hurts the most is the fact that though while my emotions may have been withering in the last weeks of our fleeting relationship, to know that he is already in a relationship with someone else, that started a mere few weeks after we made the decision not to stay together was like another stab to the heart with a searing knife. Salt in the wound. A reminder that I wasn't able to fix what was wrong with us. I'm a fixer, that's what I do, and knowing I failed hurts... I'm trying not to put all the responsibility on myself, but I can only know what I did/did not do...
I can't continue to cling onto hope that is no longer there, and I'm continuously trying to remind myself that there must be something better that God is trying to show me. I can only hope that my heart holds on long enough.
The one thing I can thank this newest news for is allowing me to cry when I haven't been able to over the course of losing my husband, two cats, and finally my grandma. I've hated the fact that I was so built up behind a wall to protect myself that I couldn't even cry with all the loss... but now I can, and of course I can't control it.
So, I suppose, here is to moving on, moving forward, and embracing the future of my beautiful daughter, doing the best I can to make her into a child of God, showing her the truly unconditional love of Jesus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)