Help wanted: Encouragement needed

Today, I'm trying to put my thoughts into words so that hopefully I can pray about it more when I'm done. I'm in need of encouragement, strength, knowledge and peace. I feel that many times I'm a failure at what I try to accomplish, many times because I tend to give up when the going gets tough. Right now, that "getting tough" is school and battling whether or not I should stay home with my baby. To stay home is my life dream, to teach her about the God that created her, and made her the perfect being that she is, to teach her, and to try and protect her from as much of the bad as possible. All parents do this to the best of their abilities, and don't get me wrong, I have nothing against those that work, and send their kids to school. I was raised that way and I think I've turned out okay. But, but, but.....

I feel as though there are so many distractions in public school that keep children for learning, its a wonder any kids get through it at all without additional teachings from their parents at home. We've recently gone through an income decrease because of Josh changing jobs to do what he is passionate about... EMS. But I'm also getting a raise every 3 months until next June/July because of my training program. These eventual raises will even it out, and eventually wind up making us more money. However, do we take money over passion? At what point does it become the love of money over the love of God?

I'm so close to finishing school, to be exact about one year away. But I'm fighting these feelings of "is it worth it" when I am fighting so hard to just be able to stay home with my baby. Do I get the degree to say I have the piece of paper? Do I stay home and teach my daughter, and eventually our other children if we have any? When does this passion for a career come? I've done nothing but jobs my entire working life, its been something to do to pay for the bills I've created for myself. When is it that I wake up in the morning looking forward to going to work because it's my passion? I'm so intrigued by so many things, and once I get involved to a certain extent, it's like all that interest just up and leaves.

It is in these moments that I begin feeling like I'm failing my family, my child, my school, employer and ever more, myself. Since when did this A-B average student become one that was lazy? Was school before just not that difficult? Were things really just handed to me? Is continuing our living situation taking advantage of what's been given?

What is my child learning when I'm not there? How to walk, speak words, or what shape goes into what hole. If I keep going to work unhappy, who is winning there? No one. My employer is losing an opportunity to have an employee who loves what they do, and I'm losing my opportunity to find myself in something I love.

When does this heartache end? From being away from my husband because of job schedules, to not knowing what the unknown holds... being scared is so difficult to work through. When do you say it's okay to go out in left field, and be okay with whatever happens?

I need God's hands on my heart, to lift me up, to take the steering wheel and to say " I've carried you through those hard times, and I'm still in control". Sometimes a map might be nice, but how else do you learn to navigate your way through besides going through the motions?

Hope this didn't bring anyone down too much, not like many read this thing anyway. But thanks for reading....

mind wont stop working.....

It's been too long again... Sorry... life happens.

I'm in a new endeavor of doing surveillance at my work. It has been an interesting change, one that I'm not sure I like yet... but it will help with school so I at least need to put up with it until then. Also, God has wrapped his hand around us and has blessed us with increased income through the position. This is good, since Josh is about to pursue his passion of being an EMT, and will most likely be taking a pay cut in order to do so... however I think that overall, it will end up being most worth it.

School is starting to get stressful again, as it is not just school I have to deal with but a small child as well. It is definitely taking its toll on my mind and body....and my sleep schedule.

And to family. Jacqueline is getting SOOO big!! I can't believe she will be one in a month!! where did the time go? It is almost as if I feel like I've missed out on it even though I've been here the whole time..Does it ever get easier?? Will I ever feel like time isn't escaping me? Oh well.... guess I should make the best of it and enjoy every minute I can. Josh's step-dad is about to have a child of his own so it should at least be interesting to see how the babies interact :)

I have also noticed God's calling in my life is getting ever clearer. I have felt moved to send a care package to a family that I don't even know, whose child has been diagnosed with SMA type 1. It is deadly, and it is unlikely that they will be able to celebrate the 2nd birthday of their child. I want them to know that God's promise is true, and that one day there IS a better life planned for that child, it may be in heaven and not on this world, but there is a day where this child will NOT suffer. I hate to imagine what these parents and family are going through, which I guess is why I feel the need to help. I think that I am trying to make my free will behave so that I can do God's will with my life. I can't keep having what may seem as bipolar tendencies (like a shopping spree when its definitely not in the budget) when I have more important things to do.. like get out of debt so that I can eventually give money away with so much joy I can't contain myself.

I think of myself as a giver. And there is so much that I wish to do, to give and I just don't know how to go about it. So if you have any ideas ;)

But I think that is all for now... time to find some good reads before bed :)

lots happening

Thank God for Rain!! It was so nice to get up this morning and not feel as though I was going to have a heat stroke at 630!!!

I found out yesterday that one of my good friends has been admitted to Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis. She is at the top of the transplant list. It breaks my heart to know she is going through this, but at the same time I'm glad it happened now, when she has a wonderful loving husband that is strong in the Word, and is a faithful friend and spouse. So, if you pray, please do. If not, please just think positive thoughts for her and her family.

On a little lighter note, Josh and I are so excited that we will once again be fighting our way through our debt, on our way to becomming debt free. Because of Murphy showing up last month, our savings was cleaned out, but soon that will be replenished, and we can tackle this thing with true intensity. Hopefully this time we will be able to get some good ground covered! I hope everyone has had a good week!

The rivers water is alive!

I can feel the movement.....

So, we've had a few moments the last few weeks, but what has been great is that I can feel God's movement through our lives to help us, and to take care of us. We've been trying to get our savings back up, and then Josh's car breaks down. But, the weird thing is, is that the last several weeks have opened up availability to do overtime like crazy at my work and also at Josh's. So, after thinking it would take us the whole 30 days of July and ALL of our savings to be able to pay for the repair, it only took us 14 days,and we still have money left in our savings acccount.
We will be going through a tight spot for the next month or so, but this is ok, because in the end, we'll be making more than we do now, and, we won't be having to pay for daycare.. so its like 2 payraises in 1!!! :) I like that sales pitch!!

I've been saying for awhile now that I've felt the need to find something more in my spiritual life. I've had this craving for more, and I just haven't been able to find what it is...
But I've started attending an "I am 2nd" class, which is great fellowship and time to open up and see how God has really affected people that are my age, going through things that I have/am/could be going through and perserverance of faith through all trials. I still need to still read "Radical" but I just haven't got that far yet.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! :)

This road leads.....where?

Today I've been really thinking about how much I'm struggling spiritually. Struggling to feel satisfied with where I'm at in my spiritual journey, and how it always feels as though I am not complete. My family is wonderful, and I'm so thankful for job and school opportunities, but I don't feel as though I'm doing enough in the world, and I definitely don't think that I'm of the correct mindset to feel as though my spiritual cup is full. I feel that I need more involvement in something that reaches further than my nook of the world, and does something for the greater good, whether its saving some kid in the city from hunger, or gives someone a chance to turn their life around. it doesn't need to be big, I just need to do something!! I feel as though God's presence is moving all around me and I'm missing out, because I don't feel as though I'm involved in anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I feel and see God's blessings in my life, but I just feel as if there is something more. I need a spirit buddy per se. Someone that can test my faith, so that I learn how do defend it more readily, and learn how to bring others to the realization that life is not about the RELIGION... its about SPIRITUALITY. It's about how you live your life. Religion is just overrun with politics that have no place when dealing with God.

Just the thoughts of the day... I hope everyone has a good week. :)

Still Here....

Sorry I've been absent for awhile. I don't mean to neglect the blogosphere, however, I have more pressing things to deal with sometimes.

Onward-- well, things were looking up for Josh and I, as we were on our way to living off of a zero based budget, getting our savings back to where it should be, and moving forward in our professional lives. Then the car broke down. Murphy decided to move in... but we've already served an eviction notice. We had 1/2 the money to pay for the car, so we decided to fix it, even though the repair was more than the car was worth. We at least know whats wrong with this car, unlike buying a $1000 car off the street. The good thing is, is that we've both been working overtime, and the 4th of July holiday, so this is an extra income month. Basically, we'll still have a little in savings after this is all over, and we're good.

Josh got is EMT certification, and is looking to at least get some experience under his belt before deciding to move into EMT full time. best to look out for the family first.

I have been having good, but slow luck on me tackling of my health issues. I'm doing better at watching what I eat, and how much. I still need to do some work on getting myself moving again, but overall, I'm close to my Pre-Preggo weight, and then after that, I still have a ways to go... so gotta keep it steady.

I hope all is well with the rest of the world... Now its off to finish the 2nd half of my 1st 12 hour shift this week. :)

pretty good

Things right now are slow going, but overall I feel really good about where I am in life. Things are looking good to me right now. I do have a small conflict going on, but I'd rather wait to talk about it until I know where it'll lead me. Josh has his EMT certification test this upcoming Friday, I'm working 12 hours on Saturday and Sunday, which means I can't spend the day with Josh on his first Father's Day. It makes me sad that I didn't realize it until after I said I could do it. Hopefully he'll forgive me.

I'm enjoying seeing Jacqueline growing up, it's just happening WAY too fast! She's starting to roll from back to front, and going from sitting into a crawling position, even though she's much happier when she's standing. Girl's going to be walking before she crawls!

This week we finally begin our true journey with Financial Peace University. I'm so excited to be doing it the way it's meant to be done and not my " i think i can handle it, but not exactly the way its prescribed" way. I'm excited to see how we can change our lives in the 13 weeks of the course.. see how much of a pay raise we can give ourselves!!!

That's about all for now. I hope everyone has a great weekend. :)

encouragement and faith

So yesterday was a friends birthday party and it was really good to be able to sit and talk with friends. I really miss them!!! I have to say that I'm feeling better about myself and my motivation to really get going on this "wellness" track that I'm on. I'm happier, smiling more, and enjoying the scenes that are around me more. I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep up the good work, and get moving more so that I can start to see the pounds melt away as I did before when I actually had time to go to the gym for an hour everyday!! ha!

I'm also feeling a little frustrated at the fact that I'm not understanding fully the radical faith that I know some of my friends/family have. I understand that they have it... I suppose its really the fact that I'm jealous that I don't think I have the same level of faithfullness as they do. I can feel my heart yearning for something more.. and I know that God is one who can fill that void... however, I'm perplexed at how to go about getting there. I'm wanting to finish a book called Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream by David Platt. I only got 50 pages into it, but it brings up some very good points that I'm interested in investigating further.

I think that is all for today... I'm hoping that today continues to go fast... I'm ready for my weekend to be here again!!! :)

high hopes!

Today is my first day back at work after almost a week vacation that was SO needed! I feel great and rejuvinated! Alas, the weekend wasn't great on the diet, but so far today, I feel great and I'm back on track! It's been easier than I thought it would be, which is alwasy a great help! I have changed our meal planner to be one that is Low Fat, and in looking at some of the meals, it looks pretty decent, So i'm really excited for it! Hoping this weekend continues the good trend!

Back to reality

So last weekend we went on our first true family vacation. It was to Springfield to see family, but nonetheless, it was a vacation. Jackie did really well, and I'm surprised how well I did staying realatively close to my "diet plan". It was great to sleep in, stay up late, and have other people to help watch Jackie ;). I was able to go shooting with Josh and our uncle Jason. It was great to get to feel comfortable with at least one gun...it may only be a .22, but it's better than nothing. I also feel much more confident about being able to hit a target now! :) I can't wait until July when we head back for a fish fry and fun at our Nanny's house!! :) It's so great to be able to get together with family.

It was brought up that Josh may look for EMT work down in Springfield once he gets his license. I would LOVE to move down there...just a slower pace to life that isn't nearly as frantic as it is up here. I would hate moving away from family, but we'd be moving closer to family too. This has led me to have many questions on my heart, as I need guidance to make such large decisions...especially now that Jackie is a part of our lives. It isn't just Josh and I, but at least she isn't in school yet..

I've also gone through and put away winter items, and cleaned out Jacqueline's dresser. It feels like a weight is lifted each time we clean out our clothes. I feel especially good about being able to donate so many items.. especially baby clothes that will be able to help someone that wasn't as fortunate as I was/am.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend, and hope that the weeks to come bring great joy to your heart and life! :)

struggling

**well i've decided that I'm going to go this alone persay... at least without the help of an organization. I think it will help me be more happy overall, and I won't feel as though I'll be chastized if I ever feel like indulging. Of course this can't happen everyday, but it is a treat for us to get something we've waited for. Hopefully this will help the journey be a little easier to bear.**


So, I'm struggling a lot right now with this whole diet plan. I know that I want to change my life, and my life style. To be a better mom, wife, and to be here for much longer than if i would continue on the path i was on. However.. i am SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I can't tell you how good just diving into a plate of chinese food sounds. I'm also struggling with dinner planning since being on this diet. I can only have certain meats, veggies, etc. It's difficult to plan two separate meals for a family. So i'm struggling. trying to figure out what the best route would be.. here's hoping to figuring it out...

just keep swimming...

I'm on day 2 of this new weight loss journey, and I guess..so far so good. I can't really complain much. I've not really been hungry even though i'm on supplements and only about 900 calories a day. I've had much more energy than ever before and i'm hoping I can keep this going until I reach my goal.

I am still looking for an internship/job for school, and its been tough knowing that I don't necessarily have all the experience or qualifications for the job, but know that i can do really well at it. I suppose I just do what I can, and leave the rest to God. Hopefully I'll hear an answer soon.

In less than a week we will be on our first true family vacation (besides honeymoon). I'm so excited to be able to spend time with family and be able to just relax... no school, no work, just us.
Now its off to enjoy the rest of the day! Hopefully the storms will hold off so I can get a walk in!!!

New Beginning

Well, here I am, at the start of a new beginning yet again. This past week I had a few down days that really got to me. My self destructive mind was at work, and I really got down about how I feel about my appearance, my overall health, and what the future holds for me. So what do I do? I go to a weight loss center, sign up, spend WAY too much money... and continue to be overwhelmed by the overall cost of what this plan means for my family and myself. But, alas, I have made a decision to improve my health and it starts with a baby step. I've joined Slim4Life, and I'm hoping that this will help me kickstart a new lifestyle that will continue into the future. It is a little difficult trying to menu plan and not make the rest of the family go on the diet as well, but I think we can do it if we plan, plan, plan.

I'm also looking at a new beginning in my career. I've looked to start a career using my degree, which would be good considering how much I've invested in it! I've applied for positions I know that I'm not qualified for, but at least it gets my foot in the door, and I can see where it leads me. I'm trying to be rational and not make any huge decisions before I know everything is taken care of, but I think it could be interesting where I end up.

Sooo...I'm praying alot, asking for guidance, and trying to talk out as much of my experience as possible, so I can get feedback, and see if I'm even thinking on the right track. I know somethings make sense in my head, but as soon as I say it I think, "how dumb is that?"
Here's to my new beginnings, all of them, and hoping to land as much on my feet as possible.

I'm Back!

Ok, so sorry for the unintended hiatus, life has just been busy!!!

Jacqueline is probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen! It is so awesome to see her learn and figure out her "life challenges" haha! If only life stayed that simple! Josh has completed his EMT training, and is in the process of finding out his grade on the practical so he could take the written test. I'm so proud of him for his accomplishments! I am only 3 semesters away from graduation (finally!) and I am loving trying to figure out where I want my career to take me.

I'm so excited that we are taking a trip over Memorial Weekend so that Josh and I can have some R&R, and Josh's family will be able to spend some much needed time with Jackie.

I'm also excited that we are getting a young adult fellowship going at church. Our church as lacked anything for 18-40 year olds ever since I can remember. It will be nice to be able to grow relationships with other people our age, that know where we are in our faith journey, and perhaps we can even learn from each other. I know we are going to try and start an online bible study for those of us that can't be at church during traditional times, and I think that will be awesome since I haven't been able to be at church for almost 6 months now... and my schedule is so sketchy...

So here's looking forward to our faith journey, and our first summer as a larger family!!